Hanging on/The Long Haul #7

[WCW]

Hey Always, usually the way to get him to do things is bring it up about 6 or 12 months ahead of time, never mention it again, and then eventually it becomes his idea, and then I gush and say 'why didn't I think of that?' But yes, there is a lot of truth in making an idea his own. I sure do know that.
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Well, hhhmm, go figure. H shows up where I am at the moonlight ride last night. I know he got the same email I did as an invitation, but we never discussed it. He was gone all day with other plans, we never had any communication, and he shows up where I am. Ends up driving an extra 1 ½ hours to do it. It was nice that he did, but at the same time it bugs me. If I knew he was coming, I could have brought a horse for him, and he could have rode too. If I knew he was coming, I would have been adamant about chipping in with food, instead of letting them say it’s just one person, no big deal, and then we both show up. If he knew I was going, why did he come too? If he thought I wasn’t going then why be a jerk and go without me, and without a horse? I don’t know any answers, probably never will. Other people addressed us as a couple, but as a couple I didn’t feel like it at all. We had no knowledge of the others plans, we arrived at separate times in separate vehicles, we engaged in general conversation with everyone else, we sat apart, we walked out separate, drove away at different times. The only thing is we came home to the same place. And went to sleep separate.

Well, before I went to sleep I was up very late on the puter. So I slept late this morning. I hate burning day light like that, but it felt kinda good. Got up and hung out in my bathrobe and drank coffee. H came in from doing chores, talked about weather, I asked about horses that we are keeping in the ‘hospital ward’ for abscesses, we had some nice conversation. H’s laptop is crashing/crashed. He’s trying to recover information from it, tedious and frustrating. I made breakfast while he was working on that and making phone calls. While eating, we had more nice conversation, and talked about an organization we both help with and a big project that could have big meaning. We talked about people we know to ask to help with this, and it got kinda weird. Some of the people that came up are pretty social with owb, so we had to dance a little bit around that, talk about them without talking about her. I almost got a feeling H wanted to bring her name up, but didn’t. He did bring up one lady that can get a lot of work done, but is very fragmented, and continued on about her H and him being controlling, and how, and the vibes that H used to get from her H. I asked if it was jealousy, and he said no, more like ??? man I can’t think of the right word anymore. Anyway, so much of what he was saying is quite comparable to how I feel about him and owb, when we were all friends and she hung around. Those same vibes. I couldn’t help but feel that H was saying these things in some kind of understanding for me. I had a hard time keeping the smile off my face, to not bust out laughing about this conversation. It was just so weird, but we were accomplishing some R talk while actually talking about some one else. At least in my mind. In H’s mind it probably never came across that way.

I had also asked about a sweatshirt I couldn’t find, and then did, and then couldn’t again. He went to the bedroom and found it, in the closet he vacated. Hhmmm, he knew it was there? He came out and playfully covered it over my head, so I reached out for him and grabbed at him and said thank you thank you while my head was covered. Playful stuff.

Yesterday the corn finally came off the surrounding fields. What a relief! Winter pasture on the way! This will save feeding a bunch of hay, which is a bunch of money. H was working on his laptop again, and I told him I was going out to work on making fence. Got it done, moved cattle out to the new area, all is well. At least for now.

Being such a nice day, folks showed up to ride their horses, people all over. More buffer! Soon it was time to leave to go pick up a horse, H actually told me he was going to take a quick shower before we go. Then, on the way, he wanted to stop and look at laptops, and we did. We haven’t shopped together since last Easter. We ended up stopping on the way home at a different store and he got one. He does need one for business and scheduling etc., I just hope he’s figured out if he can pay for it.

Most of the day, when together, we had nice conversation, casual as well as a little bit of future and business. I know I keep bringing that up, that we had conversation, but it is just so huge to me that we did. And it was without tension, some even playful and joking. Maybe some of you know how it is to sit in the same room full of tension, not saying anything, not knowing what to say or if you should say it. It just felt dang good today to be tension free.

I gotta throw in this thought about getting the bull. If anyone remembers that mess, H told me I figured I had to rush in and save the day, when he was going to handle it, and when I asked when, he said in January. Last night I drove by a place that I had contacted last November about a bull, and H then talked to them but declined because they wouldn’t have a bull until January and that would be too late. I laughed to myself and shook my head. What else could I do? I bet the cows are laughing too.

And finally, tonight, we got inside late, and H has a new laptop to play with. I went to the bathroom to wash up, and H walks to the door but leaves. Then I went to the bedroom to take off a few layers of clothes, H walks in, I was pretty surprised, and moved out the way. He didn’t move, he just said he was watching to see where I put my sweatshirt in case he had to find it again.

So that’s about it, my feeling of peace continues for now.