Thanks for the welcome. Feels nice to reach out to someone about all of this (may be part of the problem for us, we're very private and turning to each other is painful).
You made good point that I think might connect (or maybe not!)....that perhaps detachment and feeling stuck in major connections in your M are related. For me, it's more the communication part that I'm feeling stuck with (but little I can do about that, I think)...as you are with physical touches. Perhaps when we get to this phase, we naturally detach. Good, but not to let it get to the point that we stop trying or become too scared. Then it's DEFINATELY hard to get back into the groove, which is what you're experiencing and your H too. He might very well WANT to give you that great hug, but doesn't know HOW. Makes sense--you're both scared. It's not going to be easy, but little ways to be physical are a must. I know you've tried, but how about this: to make it easier on you (not too bold) and him (respect his space and not demanding), how about doing physical touches only in passing, with no eye contact at first...easy for you, and no expectations for him. Shows you care, and are comfortable in your own home and with him. Then you go bolder. The pat on the back while leaving/passing. When you talk to him when he has his back turned, touch your hand on his shoulder. Don't react if he shudders, don't even look. Just keep moving on, a casual touch. Just one a day or every other day. SLOW. I think your ask for a hug freaked him out not because he doesn't like you, but because it's so RADICAL and UNATURAL given the current sitch. Also, you really put yourself out there and got really hurt (not good).
Another perspective I had after reading your stuff. Given that he feels that you are the caretaker (read:controlling), don't appreciate him or his opinion, etc. perhaps put yourself in HIS shoes right now. OK, I'll do it!!!! If I were him, I might still have issues with feeling that I was inadequate and that my opinion was not valuable, etc. This feeds into a lower self-esteem, which makes it hard for someone to suddenly have the incentive and courage to start being a loving partner. He's afraid on how to start, if you'll reject him. Right now, he doesn't know that you won't. Sure, you stay around, but it's originally YOUR house. I'm sure you've talked to him about this already. It's painful to sit and watch him try to take care of things. I know. BUT, is there another way that you could bring it up, get him to do it and make it HIS thing, without taking charge? How did you do things as a team before? What language did you use?
I know with DB, it's no R talk. But, perhaps, this could be a 180? How long has it been since you talked R? Are you both just too scared to talk, each staring at each other for the first move?
Anyway, I am new, and know little. Just my thoughts. In the end, the detaching is a good thing. Be yourself around him, by yourself. Be comfortable, be happy, be cheery, laugh on the phone, be in the same space as him. The more you act comfortable, the more he will be--my H says that when he sees me uncomfortable/sad, it makes him feel edgy and the same way, because he feels guilty that he is somehow responsible, when in fact, it's just Life.
