Hanging on/The Long Haul #7

[WCW]

I don't know how to explain how I am feeling these last few days. Maybe I've just lost the desparation I've felt for so many months/years. Is that necessarily bad? It could also be just a phase of the moon or something, I don't know. Do I want it to be like this? NO. Can I change it? NO. I can't change a thing about my marriage, only about me. And I am, maybe this is detachment. Maybe I am finally getting it. Mystery? GAL? probably not an A student, but I am learning.

Why you think your H is so withdrawn from you at this time?

The sarastic answer is because he turned away from me and went outside the marriage to fill his needs and his desires. He strayed, and refuses to come back. Whether that EA/PA is still ongoing, or it's his guilt, or his emotions of disrespect to me and our marriage, or all of it combined. Another answer is that he lives in the past, and wants to keep on the surface anything bad or wrong or hurtful that I've ever done or said. He keeps it fresh, so he can keep his walls up. That could be just what happened to me this week, when I had that memory of how he bragged on himself and never a mention of the wife or support or the fact the I existed, it filled me with a significant reminder of the sadness and anguish I have been filled with for so long with this marriage. I have the romantic memories, the fun fulled times, the goals and accomplishments we've managed together, because that is how I choose to remember. He doesn't, he chooses to wallow in pain and regret. This week it is rubbing off on me, I am mirroring him.

But all is not lost! In two days I had an unheard of FOUR calls from H, that's a record, more calls than the whole young year so far. True that 2 were in return to my calls needing answers to some deadlines. The other two were his own initiation. I suppose I should be playing the game, don't answer, don't be available. But on the rare occassions that he does call I don't feel a need to piss him off by playing a game of not answering. That's his game, I'm not playing by his rules, or DB rules. My calls to him aren't just to chitchat, it is business and I need a response. If I want to chitchat, I will wait until I see him in person and try to use chitchat to fill the empty silence between us.

Last night H told me that he would be gone all day today, a meeting. He said he was not planning to be home to make it to the post season party tonight, and asked if I was going. I said no. I didn't tell him of any other plans I have.

Today I feel sad and lonely because the meeting H went to is one that I normally would have gone along, mostly just to socialize and see the guys and learn and have a good time. I didn't feel any clue from H that I would be welcome to join him, although the other guys always welcome me and are very nice and say nice things - maybe H didn't want to hear that. I also didn't want to spend 4 hours driving time with him. I feel disappointed for not seeing all the guys and the socializing, but I do feel relief and not bad at all for missing the anxiety and tension we would have during the 'just us' times. Could it be that's my clue? LESS time together makes the time we are together have less tension. We need a buffer, time together is tough unless other people are around. Then we can be okay.

Probably a few other little things or baby steps, like I brushed his back with my fingertips last night on my way past him to go to bed, he actually responded with good night. He did all his chores this morning before he left, he didn't just leave it up to me. I thought that was nice, but I did not tell him thanks for doing his job.

I'm not done, I still intend to wholeheartedly continue to piece this mess back together. But with less intensity than I've been going at it, I'm worn out after all this time, and will take a little break from the inferno of my emotions. After all, I'm not going anywhere, I am hanging on for the long haul.