Hanging on/The Long Haul #7

[WCW]

Hi opti, don't be afraid! please! say what's on your mind.

I've probably done more along the ultimatum lines than just ask, but have done neither or tried to approach the subject recently. I am avoiding dealing with it. Today, maybe this whole week, I am becoming more aware of the fact that the way we are is becoming comfortable. Just roommates. It sucks, it's not how I want to be married. But what is on the horizon for me if I push for a change? What is waiting for ME? Financial disaster, worse than the current situation, and that means losing the things that I have left in my life that I do enjoy, or get joy from. Am I settling for an unemotional loveless relationship and marriage for financial reasons? I suppose. At least for a while, or until H changes it, and in the meanwhile I work on the financial part and try to climb out this hole and work on ways to afford what I want to keep from all of this.

H would probably scoff at me for thinking he needed my 'permission' to leave. He's certainly made no bones and made it clear about leaving if that is what he wants. But he hasn't, and maybe his reasons are the same as mine. Financial, and just some little hope that this will still work.

Touching, a little more, not a lot. Right now, just passing or being within a few inches of each other feels almost too close for me. I struggle with if I really want to reopen those feelings, or leave them locked up so I don't get so emotional. Sure is easier to deal with this without my emotions falling all over the place. I know I should be trying, touching, caring, but I don't have the drive right now.

I'm enjoying this feeling of peace while it lasts, I'm sure it's bound to change. Where's the sun today?