Hanging on/The Long Haul #7

[WCW]

True, we're both very stubborn. Too stubborn to give up but don't know how to fix it? The last time I offered a back rub he said no. In fact, the last couple of times he said no.

I sure did put the couch in the barn. I don't know how I managed to get a heavy sleeper sofa out of the living room, around the corner, out the door, down the steps, out another door, and across the yard to the barn, all by myself, but I did. Anger and adrenalin, H sure got to me that day. When my sis was coming for a few days last October I had to get it back in the house so she didn't have to sleep on the floor. Needed help.

Have started work on the next big project, but need info from a lady to proceed, and haven't had any luck getting replies from her. I know H was supposed to be in contact with her based on our meeting last Sunday, so I left him a voice mail yesterday explaining my dilemna. Walla! he calls back a few hours later and says he happens to have a meeting with her in a little while. (Was that womans intuition or just good timing?) And he knows I needed stuff from her, so if he set up a meeting with her, why couldn't he just mention it and make it easy for me? Nah, there's the secret again. Can't leak what his schedule is, even if it would benefit both of us for the project I am doing that supports the organization he is Big Chief of. His problem, but it becomes my problem.

Last night I had lots of help to wrap up the assembly of a different project. H was one of the helpers. It was pretty cool so many folks showed up! made the job go much faster. I never heard from H for travel plans, it ended up he just showed up there. When we were done he got home before me, and when I walked in he asked if there was still chores to do. I said no, I had done them earlier. He made a comment about wondering if they had been done because I was in town with such light colored pants on. Funny, he noticed!!! We actually had a fair amount of good conversation about various things, and before we fell into uncomfortable silence I said good night and went to bed. Nope, no couch hogging either.

I remember having a conversation with H somewhere around 1 1/2 years ago, after things blew open, about sleeping together in the same bed, and if we should or why we do. At that time, even when he was hot with OWB, he said sleeping in the same bed wasn't a factor in our relationship. It wasn't until he got hurt and it was physically uncomfortable for him to sleep in our bed, he quit sleeping there. Gradually he recovered physically, but won't move back to the bedroom, prefers the floor or the couch. I miss how we used to sleep, close, cuddling, always some part of us touching, waking up together, talking about our day ahead, snuggling. That's the romantic memory. I don't miss the snoring that kept me awake quite often or woke me up, the missing covers and wake up shivering, and in the late stages the tension between us that kept both of us awake all night and we hardly slept at all, wondering why he got up so early or came to bed so late, and later found out it was so he could have those first thing in the morning and last thing of the day phone calls. So, I am truly mixed about if I do want him to come and sleep in our bed the way things are. I certainly wouldn't kick him out if he did, but I wonder if being that close would just be so much tension that we'd never sleep during the night. For me, I know that I laid awake wondering if H would touch me, or if I should touch him, if a touch would lead to sex or ML, what was he thinking? did he want me to touch him? what if he touched me? oh my gosh, he did touch me! did he mean to touch me? or did he just bump me? how is he breathing? is he breathing heavy? does it mean he's thinking about sex? no, he's got his arms acrossed his chest, definitely doesn't want a touch.... So, for now, I don't like sleeping separate for all this time, but at least I can function during the day because I do get some sleep. I hope it's best for hubby too, since it's his decision anyway. Should I even think about asking or trying to have a normal conversation about him sleeping in our bed? I thought about that last week, when he didn't feel good, if some good nights sleep in a comfortable bed would help him rest better. I thought about bringing it up, but chickened out. We could agree that sleeping in the same bed doesn't mean sex, would that take the tension out of it? I don't know, let sleeping dogs lay. Sure am bouncing around here, rambling thoughts. I'll just leave it that if H wants to sleep in our bed, he knows he's welcome, and I'm not pursuing the issue.

Had this reminder this morning of how different we think (no Wllowwlk, I haven't started rereading Mars/Venus yet). I was up early and worked on the puter, I suppose that woke H up but I can't help that he's chosen to sleep in the room where the computer is. After my shower and I was out of the bathroom, H took a shower. First time all week he started a shower while I was still home. So my thoughts are he's either got plans for a full day, or back to a routine, or the ice is melting, or what other sign is this? He walked out just as I was ready to leave (with shirt only half snapped, lots of chest hair showing, oh my!) and talked about the price of diesel fuel. Funny, I'm full of 'what does this mean' while he's thinking yesterdays fuel tank price.