Hanging on/The Long Haul #7

[WCW]

S&A, you're pretty close, alot of that is true. Some of the timing is a little off. His resentment started when he felt I was rejecting him too much, and that blew into I was like that our whole marriage. Geez, that's just not true, and he knows it, except when he wants to make me hurt. I've thought about 2003 a LOT, that's the year we really fell apart. It actually started at the end of 2002, I went to see a doctor for some female stuff. I figured I'd just need HRT or something easy, I was sent right away for an ultra sound, and the lady that took that had to do a double take and said see your doctor right away. We were leaving on vacation in a few days, and just before we boarded the plane I finally got thru to the doctor. She wanted me back for more tests asap, I said I was getting ready to walk onto a plane, can it wait. I had a bunch of female stuff wrong, and she said go on vacation but I will make your appt for you and let you know when it is, you can't wait. So, we went to see the kids, and driving from ID to OR I got a call about when my appt was. It was then that H asked what was going on, and I broke down and cried, I was so scared, but I wanted him to have a good visit with all the kids/grandkids before I dumped on him. We got thru vacation, and I ended up having surgery, which was supposed to be in and out in a couple hours, to remove a fybrous cyst and endometriosis. It didn't go well, turned out the cyst had grown in just a few weeks to the size of half a soccor ball, and they couldn't pull it my belly button like they had planned. So it turned into major surgery, and two days later they let me go home, and weeks off of work. H was supportive, and recovery went well. But I didn't feel right for months physically, and emotionally I felt like I was missing pieces. Then we purchased land, a major financial decision, then we worked hard making fence all summer, then he turned off that fall. I thought it was all about me, our 10th anniversary, his milestone birthday approaching, his XW getting remarried, and I just kept waiting for him to get out of his funk. That was fall 2003, we've never recovered. OWB enters, but I didn't know that part, yet. Until May 2004. I blew! did all the wrong stuff. We had a heavy show schedule that summer, we were forced together every weekend. (wllowwlk - in IA) Probably another thing that kept us together. Fall of 2004 H got hurt, laid up for months, insert rest of story.

I try, I really do, to cheerlead. I'm sure I miss things, I don't always have the right attitude. We had a broken door handle, all summer. He wouldn't touch it. I finally did, it's not done right, but I did. We have lots of carpentry projects, and if there one thing I cannot do, it is good carpentry. I can bang a nail thru a board, use a saw and tape measure. But H just won't do what needs to be done, and of course if I say anything, I'm the nag. Heck - I might as well go eat hay with the rest of them here! I do know what you're saying, pump him up, feed his ego, make him feel useful and like the best man in the world. He can easily fill that title for me, but I have periods of resentment, I know I do. And with the retail business, I know it can generate money when done right, but all I see is $$$ going out. H wants that to be his semi retirement carreer.

Tonight I had a meeting, H should've come along, but he never came home before I left. Most times a day goes by and we have no contact, but today things came up and I had to contact him 3 times. He never returned any of them. Business is business, quit being stupid.

I've done and tried a ton of things in the 2 plus years this has been going on, except pack my own bags. I've even issued ultimatums, with no follow thru. I'm still plugging away, H is still here. I'm not perfect, I have faults. I have hurt this man to the core, without even knowing how I did it. And he simply shut down and shut me out. I peck away, make some progress, and he rebuilds faster than I can cope with it. I don't make change very easy. I thought about that when I was walking into that meeting tonight. I've been involved with that group for 25 years, I still enjoy it, I still have fun with the old and the new people. Much of my life has so much history of the same old thing, but it's what I like, it's who I am, it's what I do. I do think I do plenty of new things too, make new things fit into a hectic schedule, because I don't drop the old activities. What I'm saying is that in more than one area of my life, I am afraid to let go of the old to pursue the new.

I don't think owb is gone, I think it's just a different level than what it was. I could also just be very naive. I sure have been before.

I did get a nice Hi when I walked in tonight. I so wanted to not come home at all tonight, not deal with this. Sneak in the back door rather than deal with tension and attitude. And I was greeted with a nice Hi. Even a smidge of conversation. Lesson - don't expect the expected.

I got invited on a date to the movies, with a couple other ladies. I'll see what the follow up is for that. Any good recommendations?