WCW
Basically I am hi-jacking, you will see that I used your own words at times. Trust me, this is not an error. They are my words too. Which basically means read carefully. You may decide that I know what your going through but have made all the mistake and you don’t want to listen to me ever again.

What was the catalyst to this.
My H started a carpentry business, failed miserable. He is an incredible finish carpenter and rough too. He also has enough knowledge about plumbing and electrical that we built our own home ourselves - literally. All except the brickwork

Keeping my H’s business sep was an issue too. Basically I did a lot of bailing his business out. Eventually he quit it. His body wasn’t going to keep up, and although he was good at his work, he was not a business man. He is a paramedic now. (So is OW)

I have business personal issues, but we kept everything sep b/c of that, pure fear of having my $$ attached. I wanted to stay the innocent spouse. But what I came to figure out was that, if we were in the M together, I was paying off his debt with money that I earned, and I had to accept that as part of the M. I did, got rid of all the records that I meticulously kept about a week b4 he moved out.

I would not combine finances from business to personal, but the personal finances are both of yours.

The better your credit score the better interest rates you can get for loans,etc.
H had the worst credit, that all turned around with me, I put his name as authorized user on my accounts b/c he could not even get prepaid credit cards. Which b4 him I didn’t know was an option. He had some business accts that defaulted, way high interest rates I paid them off by taking those 0% for x period of time loans and moved money from one credit card to another. now the kicker is his debt is all in my name!

The low spot financially could be wearing on him
No injury in my stich, and My H didn’t quit spending. I managed it all too. Including HIS checkbook. One thing my H said to me back in Oct was that I always cried poor.

My H got involved w/OW#1 when I was preg, I was working, he was telling me that is where he was. She even travel 2 hrs to our town to meet him. I felt a lot of resentment during that time,

I tried double extra hard to make sure I included him and made him aware of what was going on and what I was doing. His take is that I made sure I excluded him from everything, I just went ahead and did it and was just telling him how it was going to be.
I was busy, many things had to be done.
After OW #1, we got back on track for about 6 months. I chose to give it all up. Let go of the resentment and move on. I thought we were doing fine. Along came OW#2

I feel the same way, I feel like he doesn't give a crap what I think, he's just going to do what he feels like, around home or whatever, and I am not included in anything he decides.
I AM still dealing with the financial part, take away any support from my H.

telling him that your sick of being poor too
I am not poor, I'm broke.(been to the foodbank yet? I have) I have things, BILLS ESPECIALLY I just don't have cash.

Re Finances my H has said that I am smart that way, I am a good business person. I was very careful to keep the ties to his business at a minimum.

Last arg before he moved out I called him a loser (money issue) asked him when he was going to talk to me about this, Told him that the way he was acting we might as well just be roommates. 2 weeks later he was gone.
And now we aren’t even good co-parents. He’s what he perceives as a good parent, I am what I perceive to be a good parent.

OK he has taken his share of the house work WAY to far.

Re: him not saying goodbye, what did you say when you went outside. Do onto others...
I suppose he could figure I was ... You figured out what he was doing too, how is that different?
treat him how YOU want to be treated.

I gave this advise to someone else today. If there is an issue that you need discussed, find a way to raise it when you or he are leaving each other’s company. That way he won’t feel pressured to answer right away. When you are pulling down the drive, Oh by the way so and so called wanting to know about X, would you think about that, and maybe we can talk about it later.


Look back 2 -5 years, what happened?
His Grandfather died, we made a big land purchase, built our house, we bought him his first new vehicle, he turned 36, which was the cut off age for National Guard, Military always being his dream, changed career paths and met OW#1 in EMT school, she left her H for mine, met OW#2 when he got a job as an EMT, H and I moved in with my parents for a while, that was horrible, a while turned into 2 ½ years, our twins were 5 months when we finally moved out, my H said something along the lines of he got tired of being rejected by me. When H moved out he told me that when things were bad before he considered moving out, but hadn’t given up b/c he still had something left to give, this time he said he has nothing left to give our R.
Then in another conversation, another time, he knows that it wasn't all like that, he knows why things were the way they were, he knows we both have fault. But it boils down to he looked outside the marriage to solve his problems, to ease his 'pain'. That's just plain wrong, and he maintains he had done nothing wrong. Even said that he made his peace with God.

_____H asked what was wrong, and got the drive open for me. I said 'wow, thanks! VERY GOOD

It was in the teens today, H started my truck for me! VERY GOOD

Look at the little positives and be the cheerleader. Gush with gratitude over ever little thing and he will feel good. May even do it again. Starbucks tomorrow?

BTW AR, OC and about to die. I am classic anal retentive, obsessive compulsive (neat freak has to know where everything is and have a filing system for everything) about to die references the e-mail passage re: type A’s die young and I want to live to be a crusty old lady.