Hanging on/The Long Haul #7

[WCW]

Kiwi, it is so nice to hear from you. What's this???!!! I loved more than my own life, almost certainly forever. (I've not totally given up hope yet.) I want to hear more!!

You are right on many things. Too many pans in the fire not getting tended to, and it's all sizzling away. But, I do still believe that if we could work TOGETHER instead of apart or even parallel we can accomplish it all. But he won't let me in. And actually, he/we have let some of it go already, H won't take in horses for training anymore. The problem with that is that makes a huge cut in revenue also, and is one less thing we work on together. Is he spoiled that I continue to handle it? probably, but what else do I do? Find a room and move out? dump it all in his lap? I honestly don't think I can do that. I've looked, I've contemplated, but when it comes right down to it, I can't. I could use up all my vacation time and take an extended stay in some unknown location...with my horse, my dog, at the end of a long dirt road... where cell phones don't work. Oh geesh, someone just walked thru and woke me up.

I do think there is much resentment, I know there is. It came out a little last week in the 'cow fight'. He made a comment about me 'rushing in to save the day', and the way he said it I know that he was feeling just like when he was laid up and couldn't help. But, I told him what I was doing, getting a bull, synchronizing the herd,etc.... if he was mad about it, then he should have said so or offered his advice and suggestion and opinion, or just told me HE WAS handling it. But no, he just clammed up, made his decision that he would not assist me without telling me, and until I was full of sh*t and mud and begging for his help to get the job done, that's when he got high and mighty and told me off.

Man oh man, I deserve better than this. What the heck am I doing living like this? Wait, I'm frustrated, take a big breath, today the sun is shining for the first time in weeks, enjoy the day, relax, turn the heat down under the pot.