Part of my divorce came about as a result of my bad mental state due to a failed/failing business. Your business hasn't failed but it sounds like you guys have to work very hard at it. I'm just guessing here but I bet that your H is just tired...burnt out...tired of worrying about the business, the debt, etc etc etc. And probably also feeling bad about getting on a bit in years and his injury. Taken all together...I wouldn't be surprised if he feels trapped and then places his frustration about the situation on your shoulders. Associates you and your marriage with that stress. OW and spending are a way to relieve himself of that stress for a while. He is probably conflicted about how to get out of the situation. Wants the financial/business stuff to just go away but doesn't *necessarily* want out of the marriage. Still has feelings for you plus doesn't want the stigma of possible affair and divorce...the ego/upstanding citizen thing.
Something else...I wonder if he is a little spoiled by the fact that you keep things afloat on your own. As long as you are taking care of everything, he can get his "escapes" and contribute as he feels like it. Throws little tantrums when the business/financial situations come up because he knows that you will back off and buckle down on things for a while because you love him and won't leave.
Knows what he is doing is wrong but justifies it by telling himself that he just wants to be happy and he can't figure out a way out of the situation (stress, not your marriage...necessarily) and can't figure out a way out that won't lead to an explosion of his life.
Please understand that that is just my guess based on being a guy and being in a similar situation. Something to think about.
Something else to think about...if you think my read is close to the truth...I think for your sake and for his you need to scale things back. You can't keep working like a dog on your own and I worry that he will eventually work up the nerve to jump ship. Is there any way that you can start scaling the business back, get some help with the business, etc? I really think that you need to remove some of the stress of the business/financials and then start working on yourself and the marriage without distraction.
A year ago, I was a complete ass because I was so burnt out/stressed from my business. I really wish that my STBXW would have waited 6 months before leaving. Now that I've removed that stress, I'm a completely different person...happy and upbeat even after though I've lost my W, whom I loved more than my own life, almost certainly forever. (I've not totally given up hope yet.) Your H can make the turn around too if this is really what is bothering him.
Now, suppose you scale the business back and get things to the point where you have some WCW time and you *still* don't get a positive feedback from him...well, I have to wonder if at that point it might not be better for you to leave him. Not leave him in a mean way...give him some time to live without you...that whole tough love/give him the gift of missing you thing.
