This is long, and it's getting late in the day for a cup of coffee while you read.......
What was the catalyst to this. When H moved here he went to work in construction, but he is the type that wants to work for himself, not someone else. He/we started a side business, which grew to full time self employed for him. He likes what he does, but it is very physical, and he won't be able to maintain his pace into 'old age'. He talked about cutting back on that part of his business when he can and concentrate more on a retail business we are building. So, the easy logical answer is no, we can't combine finances again, because we need to separate the business account from personal, etc. Technically, we should do a better job of that, H should not be living his personal life from our business account. I've told him, but I can't stop him. credit score is not such a big deal. I have to disagree. It is. The better your credit score the better interest rates you can get for loans,etc. H had bad credit, that all turned around with me, and now the kicker is his score is actually HIGHER than mine last I checked! The low spot financially could be wearing on him I know it is me. But, ironically, just last night we got on a credit card conversation. When H got injured and couldn't work for 6 months and then eased back into it, it was a financial crisis. We took money on 0% credit card offers, which is all starting to come due. By talking to each other about it, we found we're not as far off as I/we thought. Imagine that, some communication and it turned up some relief for both of us. When he was recovering from his injury, he dumped everything. He had no income, so he dumped it all on me, bills, record keeping, HIS checkbook with nothing in it, ordering for the retail business, he wasn't able to physically help with hardly anything outside, he also QUIT spending, and although I will sound vain - I managed it all, and quite well. Somehow, with God's help and family and friends, the physical things got done, I somehow got bills paid and timely, even all the extra hospital bills.(hospitals will work with you) But, the key was, I managed all of it and H quit spending. Sometimes I think he used that as an excuse to dump it all and I would go under, and that would be the excuse he would use for the end. He was also still very heavy with owb!tch, she would even stop to see him because he couldn't get out on his own. Where was I? working. I also feel that if it wasn't for that injury we would have been done that same time, H would have moved out and on, but he couldn't. I felt a lot of resentment during that time, and I don't blame him for feeling bad about being laid up, but it wasn't anyones fault, it was an accident. I tried double extra hard to make sure I included him and made him aware of what was going on and what I was doing. His take is that I made sure I excluded him from everything, I just went ahead and did it and just left him sitting alone in the house. This is awful, it just hurts putting this all down again. I was busy outside, many things had to be done before winter set in. I asked and my sister borrowed us a gator so H could get out of the house and be mobile, I asked people to call and stop in and visit with H,(except owb!tch), I tried hard to not let him just wallow. So that is where some of his 'my opinion doesn't count' attitude comes from, but he's said that long before that injury. And you know what? I feel the same way, I feel like he doesn't give a crap what I think, he's just going to do what he feels like, around home or whatever, and I am not included in anything he decides. There was one day last spring, where he actually did acknowledge and say thanks to me for getting us thru that time. But we are still dealing with the financial part, take away the major income for 6 - 9 months and it's a big void. telling him that your sick of being poor too A subtle difference for me, I am not poor, I'm broke. I have things, I just don't have cash. I have had those discussions with H, he knows how I feel, he knows that we could work on it together and come out on top. He has said that I am smart that way, I am a good business partner, even suggested we should stay business partners. (just like owb!tch and her now XH) And now we are just business partners, like he wanted, because we certainly don't have a marriage. And we're not even good business partners anymore. Sucks. There are a few times when we can discuss and make some progress, but the majority of the time he is so abrasive and defensive and won't engage in any conversation. I am AR, OC, and about to die Explain, please? Any housework barely makes it on my list of priorities. It is always last for me. I do wish it was neater, but until it makes it on H's list, I can't and don't even try to keep up with his messes. I guess that is my issue, but just because I am female doesn't mean I have to be the maid. He's a big boy too. He even got to the point for awhile that he would only do the dishes that he dirtied. gheesh.... I don't complain, I don't say anything. But he does vacuum the floor where he sleeps, next time I'm going to say the house has more floor space than that and he could do the rest of it. Re: him not saying goodbye, what did you say when you went outside. Do onto others... He wasn't ready to leave, he was wrestling with his laptop. It ended up being an hour before he left. I suppose he could figure I was out riding and not around, but all the dogs were in the yard, they wouldn't have been there if I wasn't. But that is something that I struggle with, treat him like he treats me, or treat him how I want to be treated. Most of the time it is the latter, but then I get angry and lower myself to his level. suppress it That's been my motto for the last few months, don't discuss, don't bring up conversation that would allow HIM an opportunity to bring it up either. Right or wrong? not sure, so far it's worked. But, there are things that we should be scheduling already for this summer, I am getting questions almost daily from folks about plans and schedules, and I can't answer most of them without asking H, and of course, when I get enought courage to ask and try to use just the right words, I get skunk answers that don't answer anything. Look back 2 -5 years, what happened? Oh my, so much. His mom died, we made a big land purchase, granddaughter had liver transplant, we stepped up and purchased the stallion he rides, which meant a direction change in our place, he turned 50, owb!itch got horses and they met, H's oldest son,wife,and kid moved in with us for a while, that was horrible, and THE biggest thing I can think of is that he says he got tired of being rejected by me. We've talked about that, and he will get mad and has told me I have caused him nothing but years of pain and hurt for our whole marriage. He is tired of feeling that way and I took all the try out of him. Then in another conversation, another time, he knows that it wasn't all like that, he knows why things were the way they were, he knows we both have fault. But it boils down to he looked outside the marriage to solve his problems, to ease his 'pain'. That's just plain wrong, and he maintains he had done nothing wrong. Even I would choose to believe that, then why does he refuse to talk to me, to work on this? to move forward and put these painful years behind us? ------------------ Last night I was working on project stuff, H was uncommunicative. I finally tried to ask about skiing, how it was, busy? got one or two word answers. By that time I have a cd stuck in the drive, can't get files copied that I need to print, I am experiencing high frustration, I went to bed. Slept pretty rotten, woke up early. Put laundry in the drier, turned the babysitter tv on in the bedroom, watched some news, took a shower, got dressed. Walked into the rest of the house, H was getting ready to go outside, moved away from me, I said good morning, tried to get the cd drive open and couldn't. ggrrrrr!!! shut it down and was going to take it somewhere, I NEED MY COMPUTER!! H asked what was wrong, and got the drive open for me. I said 'wow, thanks! would you hook it all back up for me too?' He went outside, but not until I spouted off about the $#%^#$^ computer. It was in the teens today, H started my truck for me! I believe that is the first time since 2004 that he has done that. He was off hauling hay when I left, I did send him a txt thanks for starting truck. Also, I need some things picked up today in a nearby town for my project that is due this week. I did ask if he was anywhere near that town today, he grumbled yeah, he could pick it up. My txt also said 'don't bother, I would handle it.'
My stress is high this week, I know I have to suppress it. It's not his fault, no - it's not PMS, it's managing multiple agenda items and they keep mounting, and it's dealing with the attitude of H, he's pushing away hard now, I suppose because of yesterday morning.
ps- this morning I left the sugar container in the bathroom with a note on it, 'you'll need this.'
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
