Hanging on/The Long Haul #7

[Freckle6]

I don't think I've ever posted to you, but I've been following your recent threads. The way you describe your current sitch reminds me a lot of my own in between the first bomb and my H moving out 10 months later. I know how it feels to be scared to put yourself too much out there with your H because of the possible rejection. But, I really think you need to step it up in a big way if you really want to have a mutually happy M rather than the way it currently is. One of you will reach a breaking point sooner or later and at that point it will be much more difficult.

You said how your H is totally different with you versus when he's around friends/family--could he say the same about you right now? Are you acting just as reserved around him as he is you? If so, stop. Act "as if" he's your friend and stop walking on eggshells in your interactions. Chit-chat with him about all the things you would talk to anyone else about. Find some jokes and interject one during one of those deafening silences I'm sure you have. Keep your mood as upbeat as you can. What are some things you used to do when your M was good? (teasing him, telling him about some gossip about mutual friends, etc.) Start doing them again.

Basically, figure out all the non-physical ways you used to interact with him before and start doing them again. Yeah, it will feel forced from you, but try not to project that outwardly. And you'll probably fall flat a few times, but keep on trucking and if you get a negative or a blah reaction from him, let it roll off your back and try again and again.

It's like a movie, where someone is hanging by their fingers off a cliff and the other person reaches out their hand to try to pull them back up. Usually, they can't grab them the first time. But, they don't get immediately discouraged and walk off leaving the other person to eventually die. They regroup and stretch further and further until they can pull the other person back to safety.

You and your H have a wide gap between you. One of you (you, since you're here!) needs to start figuring out big ways to close that gap.

I remember when my sitch was similar and I was so guarded and scared that if I pushed too hard that my H would bolt. So, I just went about my business and acted friendly in hopes that the ice surrounding him would melt on its own and he would meet my halfway. It didn't and he didn't and I wish like hell now, that I had put myself out there more. No possible rejection then would have hurt half as bad as the day he told me 10 months later that he couldn't live like roommates anymore and he was moving out. So, if you want a hug from him, go get one. Yeah, you may only get a half-hearted one in return, but do it anyway. And keep doing it. Sometime, walk over to him and plant on big one on him and then sashay away like you don't have a care in the world. Shake things up and stretch out that hand of yours.

Well, there's my 2 cents.