Hanging on/The Long Haul #7

[WCW]

Today I am working on ignoring my overwhelming urges of sadness. While I look for and see baby steps and signs of progress, I just don't know how this will ever come back or move forward to something real for us. Sure, yesterday H opened a door for me and bought me a flavored coffee. Is that just being polite, or is it a sign of a marriage working? come on, really? When we are by ourselves, he is Eyeore. When he talks on the phone or interacts with other folks, he is Mr. Congeniality. He's a great guy, that's what everyone sees. With very few exception. I even got an email from a friend of ours talking about some groups we are involved with, and how H is one of the most ethical people out of the whole dang bunch! That is how people see him, that is his reputation, that is how he is perceived. People all know he is a great guy. And so do I. I know he is a wonderful person. Except when it comes to me. And it makes me so sad.

aynesr, you say your W doesn't have IT for you, and she can't live without IT anymore. I believe my H is the same. He has never said he doesn't love me, he has never asked for a divorce, he has never given me the Big Talk. He just continues to work his way out of my life and our marriage a little piece at a time. Baby steps out. What he has said is that he doesn't know, he doesn't think, he can ever feel 'that way' again.

What do I do? keep plugging away. I don't know what else to do. I'll keep trying to be a person that he wants to love again, that he can feel IT for me. I hope there are some signs lurking in the future, something that I can see bigger than buying me a cup of coffee.(yes, I said thank you) I need more to hang on too. A simple hug would be nice.

We are both headed off to a meeting now. The first 45 minutes of the ride will be silence while it is just 2 of us, then we pick up other people, and H will be funny and interactive with them. It will hurt me, because he can't or won't treat me as good as a friend.