Alrighty! Following thru on the end of the last thread, I reached out this morning to my H. And the results were positive. I asked him to rub the back of my neck for a minute, I timed it to suggest absolutely nothing more, and he responded first with one hand, then both hands, and more than a minute. The last time I remember we had any physical touch was Christmas, at the dinner table. It felt sooooo good to feel his hands. Then he made a little pleasant conversation. I asked him how he felt, he's had a bad cold and it seems to be taking over again. I noticed he was up around 4am with the lights on and I heard him rummaging the cupboards, I assume for some cold relief medicine. So, evangelism from the church service - reaching out, I applied to my marriage and my H. Such a little bitty touch for a minute, I am on a high cloud! Especially because the last time or two I suggested or asked for a back rub it didn't happen. Maybe we are both ready to move back towards each other. Reinstate this goal.
Many thoughts and suggestions from the end of that thread, mostly that I am not seeing H reaching out to me. Right. I'm missing it. I also feel scared of making a wrong move, that I don't move at all.
debcb, I'm doing or at least I think I am, many things you suggest. Except for the last cow fiasco. His trailer renewal was due the end of December. I showed the notice to him when it came, and gave him one reminder the day before it expired. It is not paid yet. The same thing with our truck renewals both expire this month. In the past, I handled all the finances, we did well. When H started doing his own checkbook, problems started. Many late fees and past due notices. I hate it! it is throwing money out the window, just light a match and let it burn. In time, a little at a time, I have suggested that he uses automatic payments and deductions, and in his own time he has set a lot of stuff up that way now. But it all has to become his idea in his own good time. So if that's an analogy, I have to somehow let him think that making our marriage work and we can move beyond this is his idea. How the heck do I do that? I feel like he's the horse that with too much loose rein he will run away, but I know exactly what you're saying. I don't trust him enough, I keep giving a tug to remind him I'm still back here. Remind myself of this goal.
H's biggest anger issue with me, I think, is that he doesn't trust me. Because when I first found out about what was going on, I talked to 4 people. I asked him 1st, he denied anything and everything. I talked to OW 2nd, she denied anything and everything. I talked to OW's husband 3rd, he was unaware of anything at all going on, he talked to his W that night, and found out she had an apartment lined up and was moving the next weekend. I should have quit talking to him then. But I didn't. We commiserated for a while, and what I wasn't smart enough to know is that he fed information to OW/his wife that she fed back to my H. Some was true, a lot of it was not. But H was furious, with me, and he once said that he cannot ever trust me with his thoughts or feelings again. That is his biggest anger issue. Before I learned that, I blubbered to a mutual friend, 4th person. H snooped in my email and found out everything we'd talked about. He denies it, but it is the only way he could know specifics like he does. So now, other than ranting and raving here, I talk to no one. But will he ever know that? will he ever move past his anger and resentment of what he feels I betrayed him? isn't it odd how things get so turned around? He doesn't trust me.
I do need to be more appreciative, of everyone and everything in my life. Inside I am, but I do not show it enough. My work, my family, my friends, my husband. I recognize it, but I don't do enough about it. Another goal to work at.
Wllowwlk - I have read Mars/Venus and 5LL. In fact, the M/V books I just found again thru one of my goals of getting organized again and pecking away at things I've let slide. Now, I need to make time to read them again. Yet another thing on the todo list.
So, here's what I see to work on - - physical touch with H, don't be scared into doing nothing. - trust him, I get jittery just putting that down, this is absolutely huge. I don't trust him at all, with anything. How do I start? Doesn't he have to earn my trust as well? - work on gaining his trust. Show him my loyalty to him and our M. Are my actions and words as big as I think they are? must not be, he's not responding. - be more appreciative. In all areas of my life.
Plus all the other goals - to get organized again, lose weight, exercise, keep a tidier house, work more with my horse and more horses, work on paperwork/taxes, keep whittling away at budget and finances, and take time to think about everything rather than just blundering thru it.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
