Its very hard not to feel those things that you do with regard to the sitch. I for one do not enjoy the fact that my W is likely carrying on an EA with OM. However, I will tell you this. Over the past three months I sat around the house agonizing, begging, pleading, etc. Basically, I wasn't a very nice person to live with and it really affected her moods. I could see that she was agonizing over everything and the emotional turmoil was taking a physical toll on her. It finally dawned on me that a) if were ever to win her back, I had to be the man she fell in love with 13 years ago and b) if I truly loved her, then I would be trying to help her cope with her emotional turmoil rather than contributing to it and c) I had to get my life back in balance. In some respects, she has recognized this in a short time and has repeatedly thanked me for my patience, love and understanding. That to me is worth it.
Its funny thought that you mention that your wife would have been on the fast track to D-ville without looking back. The fact is, you really don't know that for sure. Unfortunately, I haven't been the greatest husband in the world and found myself stuck in an EA a couple of years ago. No, she didn't read any self-help books or consult a therapist or a website. She confronted me and basically it was up to me to end the whole thing and get on with life. I did. But, the point being, she and I are different people with differing views and opinions and I think its a basic understanding that women and men want, need, think and feel differently. Just because you "believe" that she would do X,Y, or Z if you had an affair really doesn't justify you acting in that way. I wish you all the luck in the world!
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
