I've read DB but tell me this...

[hopefloats7]

But I have to admit, the way I'm seeing it now is that she has these feelings for OM, no matter what I do or say and one way or the other they have to be resolved. I can't make any decisions for her and I can't change what "is".

I feel the same way about my H's affair with o.w.
He actually tried (maybe too strong a word) to end things with her, and considered coming home twice. Both times, he became so incredibly depressed, and gave into the addiction (because that's what it is) and went back to her. He said, "I would rather take the chance than wonder about it."
I realized there is nothing I can do. A part of me hates that I didn't realize this affair was going on until it had already become not only a PA but an EA too. I wonder if I'd discovered it earlier, maybe it wouldn't have escalated into this disaster that has become my life.

You sound like you do realize your wife needs to have the freedom to go through this, and the best thing to do is to give her the space to figure it out. They may not come back, and yes, it's hard to see how they might reconsider when all that seems to be happening is the affair R. is getting stronger while the marriage grows weaker. I'm in the exact same boat.

Good luck; take care.