at some point I have to make it about me for my sake. If I am going to "change" and "work on our marriage alone" as the DB book says to do, then I feel that it's not consistent with that to simply ignore something that makes me so unhappy.
Look, of course it makes you unhappy, it's one of the worst things that can happen to someone. I'm suggesting how to lessen it's impact on you. You can't change the facts, they will be hurtful. But you have a choice in continuing to let them hurt you, or trying to climb out of it.
The DB book is written mostly for soured relationships that may still be mostly salvageable, akin to finding a tumor and treating it. By the time we have affairs going on, we're beyond the first stage of treatment. MWD's prescription for that is to go dark and GAL. Well of course there should be the elimination of truly hurtful behaviors and becoming a positive person blah, blah, but "repair"? That takes two willing participants. With an A going on, the prescription now becomes attracting the spouse to reconsider first and become a willing participant, before repairs can be made to any such relationship.
The problem is that without knowing IF there is still an affair to react to (or not) it is left without closure and that takes away a set of decisions I feel I need to make (stay, go, ask her to go, accept and prepare for the worst, accept and prepare for the best, none of the above).
Hey, you may never get closure. That's something you have let go of, and give yourself closure by accepting that you may never have closure. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best but don't expect it.
Again, I don't know how you are with someone for a decade, all the while having them as a source of security, love, comfort, affection, conversation, and yes damnit, some self esteem, and over the course of a couple days/weeks, separate your feelings surrounding those parts of your life from her.
Well that makes it hard, of course. This isn't easy to go through unless you don't give a flying f*ck in the first place, but if you were like that, you wouldn't be here. Your sitch is young, and you're going through a grieving process, you're still very much emotionally attached to her, but that's normal. She had a head start in getting detached, plus she has someone else to fill any sense of being alone or deprived of someone. You got caught offguard and traumatized.
She may not want to see a therapist, but perhaps it would be a good thing for you to do right about now.
Great, live for yourself. I get it, and I have done it in my life but when I got married, I agreed to live with this person in sickness and health, for better or for worse till death do us part.
I respect that, but I must respectfully say, IMO, this doesn't deal with reality. The reality is those vows have been broken, you're not obligated to keep them once they're broken. That's your choice. But let me add this, making the keeping of vows at this point a premise for wishing to "save" the relationship is as much the flip side of the WASs breaking the vows to save herself. You're both setting up your opposite camps, in effect, both of you doing the same thing.
In her mind, you broke fidelity first, believe it or not, when you didn't honor your vows of cherishing her.
You want her back in the marriage, she sees that marriage as being bad for her. You advocating keeping to vows, if you approach her with that, would be akin to her as a jailor insisting that she stay in the prison she wishes to flee from.
Instead, consider why you want her back. That's not about vows. She was your, how did you put it? "source of security, love, comfort, affection, conversation, and yes damnit, some self esteem". So, to me, that suggests that she met certain needs of yours (some of which you should be giving yourself and not seeking from others). Now you sense deeply the loss of all that, and having been wired for a decade to get this from that certain person, you want it back. Can't blame you for feeling that way, she's been imprinted on you. But right now, she isn't that person for you nor can she meet your needs like that. The relationship you took vows on has changed tremendously and no longer exists as it was.
Now forgive me for sounding too old fashioned, but a mid-life crisis could be considered sickness. It can't get much worse than an affair. I want to live up to my vows, not just for the kids, because I believe in them, the devastation it will cause if we divorce, but for my love of her and my belief that she DOES have love for me that can resurface.
I hear you. So... what's your plan then?
Sadly, and against most advice I find here, I am not entitled to, nor should I get that hope from my wife, the mother of our 2 children and the woman who I love.
Because what we're trying to tell you is that you're in a fog of "what was". If you're looking for advice that feeds into that, me, personally, I can't mislead you like that. Instead I'd tell you: Why should you expect hope from her? That's not where she's at? You don't expect sharks to act like dolphins, right? Well, you're swimming with a WAS/shark right now, don't expect her to act not act like a WAS.
This is probably the rant of an extremely hurt and emotional man, but I will NEVER and would NEVER be able to get to a point where I could stand by and do something like this for myself while watching everyone around me whither away. I don't have that in me and maybe that's the problem but I'm afraid it's one I may take to my grave.
I agree, it's that right now you're terribly hurt and emotional and its coloring your perceptions and all. Been there myself, I feel for you. It will get better in time, but you have to work that time to your benefit for yourself.
