Ok. I get the "it's about her" part but at some point I have to make it about me for my sake. If I am going to "change" and "work on our marriage alone" as the DB book says to do, then I feel that it's not consistent with that to simply ignore something that makes me so unhappy. I KNOW it's beyond my control to make the affair stop or be something it's not, but what IS in my control is my reaction to it. The problem is that without knowing IF there is still an affair to react to (or not) it is left without closure and that takes away a set of decisions I feel I need to make (stay, go, ask her to go, accept and prepare for the worst, accept and prepare for the best, none of the above). Again, I don't know how you are with someone for a decade, all the while having them as a source of security, love, comfort, affection, conversation, and yes damnit, some self esteem, and over the course of a couple days/weeks, separate your feelings surrounding those parts of your life from her. Great, live for yourself. I get it, and I have done it in my life but when I got married, I agreed to live with this person in sickness and health, for better or for worse till death do us part. Now forgive me for sounding too old fashioned, but a mid-life crisis could be considered sickness. It can't get much worse than an affair. I want to live up to my vows, not just for the kids, because I believe in them, the devastation it will cause if we divorce, but for my love of her and my belief that she DOES have love for me that can resurface. I am not blind. I know what I need to do but without hope beyond that expression of my beliefs, I am lost as to how to do those thing. Sadly, and against most advice I find here, I am not entitled to, nor should I get that hope from my wife, the mother of our 2 children and the woman who I love. It doesn't get much worse for me. This is probably the rant of an extremely hurt and emotional man, but I will NEVER and would NEVER be able to get to a point where I could stand by and do something like this for myself while watching everyone around me whither away. I don't have that in me and maybe that's the problem but I'm afraid it's one I may take to my grave.
