You know, one of the things I've learned in all of this is that what you focus on expands. If we choose to focus on our hurt, we hurt more. If we choose to focus on the present, that's all there really is -- the present. If we choose to focus on the past, we miss the present right in front of our very noses.
The best I can do with the discovery is recognize that it's in the past, and there's nothing neither one of us can do about it. But there are tons of things we can both do to make the present better. I'm also at good place with myself and I know if he does it again, it's all about him (he's already admitted that to me).
JRB, you are exactly right. To him, it's old news that he'd rather forget about and move on. I'm trying to do that with him.
Very pleased to read your post and of your progress. Tedious but you are doing it. That was a good confrontation and you are at a point where if just makes him think instead of angry.
Have not seen you much and (wipe the sweat from my brow now) and you not me. I have contact with a ballroom dance instructor and hope to get started really soon. Been back at the gym some, though not enough.
And you demonstrate that I need to do the goals better.
Who is this infrequent poster? Could it really be our long-lost friend, M, posting on her own thread?
You're doing great, M, and it's good to read about how well the two of you are nurturing and protecting your R now. I appreciate the reminder about focus, too.
Thanks,
Joe
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
I've a final that's due this week (Wednesday, actually). This is the guy that's been putting me through the meat grinder. Keep me in your prayers tomorrow; I'm staying home tomorrow to finish it up.
But first, SO is fixing me a nice dinner and taking care of me tonight! Yay SO! He's so thoughtful.
Okay gang, I'll try a quick update before I head off for some meetings...
The Final. I made it through the final. Going into it, I had a low B. The prof shorted me a B on the final by one lousy point, which also dropped my B to a C for the class. It's still passing, but not so hot for grad work. Do I think he did it on purpose? Yes. Can I prove it? No. So I just take it and move on. Interestingly enough, I started my next class the very next night. "Ethics in Public Administration," with prof I've had before and who I think is great. My goal is to totally ace this course to bring my overall GPA back up to par. A 3.00 is required to graduate from the program.
Ongoing Reconciliation with SO. This has been going reasonably well, although we hit a couple of bumps in the road:
1) Last week, he told me about a project he's working on. It requires a leadership team that he put together, which I understand. He was telling me about the 3 people he picked and why. I totally understood why he chose 2, but I'm struggling with my own issues with the third. She's a 24 yo member of his comedy troupe, and he's pretty buddy-buddy with her. She was a marketing major, so that applies to what he needs for his team. The goal of the project he's working on is to market the comedy troupe and make it a $15k business operation within the year. So it makes sense that he has someone from the troupe on his leadership team as well. However, it just smacks of a lot of what I went through with him before over OW2 who he turned out to have an affair with. I am resigned to the fact that if he is unfaithful again, it is still a reflection of who he is and has nothing to do with me. Additionally, if he is unfaithful again, it will be right under the noses of the other 2 members of his leadership team -- both of whom I know very well, both of whom SO respects immensely, and both of whom thought he made a huge mistake by ending our R and were very pleased when we reconciled. So, time will tell and there's nothing I can do. It's out of my hands. But at least this time I have far better tools to cope.
2) Saturday I went shopping with my DD26 and DGS8 mos. Guess who I spotted at the mall? OW2. She looked like a boy. I hardly recognized her. Saturday night I had dinner with SO. I struggled with whether or not to bring it up. I didn't. There wasn't anything to be gained by it. But it still bothered the heck out of me. First time I'd seen her anywhere since I had that meltdown last June.
3) Sunday night I went to SO's for dinner. He was cooking, and I'd brought a couple of things to throw in. I was cutting up a cucumber for the salad and then trying to clean up my mess, while trying to stay out of his way as best as possible. It's a small galley kitchen and he really staked the kitchen out as his "domain" after I moved out. He started to feel intruded upon and essentially asked me to leave the kitchen and sit on the other side of the counter. This bothered me immensely and I withrdrew to a degree during the evening while we watched a movie. It hurt, and I was trying to figure out how to express that hurt.
I came up with it the next morning. SO used to tell me that he felt like when he was trying to do the right thing and be helpful, and I didn't like the way he was doing something, I would make him feel like a kicked dog. (The analogy being dogs just want to please.) I explained to him that was they way I felt. I was only trying to help by contributing to dinner, and to make sure that I cleaned up my mess and put the dishes in the dishwasher that I had used. He said he needed to be able to express how he felt too.
Not sure anything was resolved there, but at least I let him know how I felt, and I was able to put it in terms he should understand (since I used his own illustration).
I was over there again last night, after I finished some homework. We hung out for a bit and then went to bed and the ML fairy visited. It was very passionate and intense and moving, and I was in tears afterwards. This is not the first time since our reconciliation that I have been in tears after ML.
DRing is definitely not for the faint of heart, yes indeed -- the real work begins once you reach the point of reconciliation.
Okay, off to a day of meetings and a 1000 word paper to write on why I think ethics should be a part (or not) of public administration.
M
Have a lovely day, all of you lovely, wonderful people!
The "C's" no big deal. I like how you described it. Know that there's always at least one unhappy arse in an academic dept who prides him/herself on giving out low grades. He doesn't have any power over you anymore. Yea M!
I sense a vibe of insecurity in you. Stay assured that you will be just fine regardless. I might have told him about the sighting, but only in passing.
Finally, you have a martian retreating to his cave to cook and you're complaining? Kick up your feet or take a bubbly bath while he does so. You'll be better able to enjoy the convo over dinner that way!
You're awesome! Thanks for your most excellent Martian and academic perspective!
If this particular Martian would retreat to his cave in the bathroom and scrub his bathtub a little more often, I might have done exactly that! He lives in a suburb with really bad (aka hard) water, and his shower/tub is a bit of a nasty mess. I tend to stick to simple showers, but that still might have worked anyway! Thanks for the suggestion; I'll put that in my back pocket for future use!
j/k! Good luck on the exam.