Looks like you got lots of attention to your thread started. That's great. Your discussion with SO on last month's concern was great; love vs respect.
We all want it all. But if you had two cards laying face down on the table and could only turn over one, would you want it to say love or respect? I respect some pretty unloveable people. I respect most people I love. He was not telling the people that he respects that he loves them. He did think he was showing you that he respects you when he said ILY. It's great when two people can relax and validate each other in discussion. No lingering confusion.
On your previous flaws you listed: I was whiney - yeah, that killed us all, but no longer
I was sad - yeah, I first logged on as Am2sad, but no longer
I was a nag - Mars-Venus time; men who retreat into their cave to internally process their problems leave their women feeling like they are nagging. Read the definition of WAW on this site. Women that stop expressing their concerns bottle it up and at some point become a WAW. Express your concerns like you discussed the love vs respect, but if he gets quiet it doesn't mean he is shutting you out. He is preparing his ideas, response, and corrective measures.
I came off as needy - I repeat, that killed us all, but no longer - unless you find yourself constantly needing to bring up the past or hunt for skeletons. Why hunt for things you can not resolve by bringing them back to life. Let things lay in the past where they belong. Who is he with. He is with you. Period. End of that discussion, it is simple for men. Here I am.
I spent no time trying to take care of myself and expended all of my energy in trying to save the R - are you spending too much time now worrying about the past or unknowns and not putting that energy into growing the new R?
I was angry and felt rejected, which came out inappropriate ways - you don't sound angry now and why would you feel rejected? Like I said, he is with you now. Are there some other things that you think might be getting expressed in inappropriate ways? Don't go back to the old you. Let him know sometime how you want to keep working on your goals to self improve. Allow his input, ask for it. Let him know this is important. Then he may not feel so threatened when you work up to asking him to discuss things he finds better about the R and himself now. Men don't do this. He will have to feel he is in a comfort zone. He will like the reults of feeling safe. Have you both read Mars-Venus? Have you considered discussing a chapter at a time a weekly R building excercise? Use the "M-V in the bedroom book" as guy bait.
Hey, thanks for the visit and posting on my thread! Yes, I remember seeing Am2 around, so I am familiar.
I am totally about MV. As a matter of fact, that's one of the things SO and I would talk about when we'd hang out during our S. Interesting, eh?
Quote: are you spending too much time now worrying about the past or unknowns and not putting that energy into growing the new R?
No, I don't think so. The discovery of the PA just came about a couple of weeks ago, so I'm allowing myself some processing time.
A post or two ago, TJ (thanks, TJ!) posted about shifting our thinking from forgiveness to acceptance. I think this is splendid and really is a closer description of where I am.
I think it's amazing that SO is taking responsibility for his actions! I'd love to hear his perspective on the BB sometime.
I wonder if his attempt to own the whole thing is also a little bit of a power thing--does he feel like he has more power/ control over the situation if it's all his fault. Maybe he feels like he can fix it if it's all on him. It kind of goes with what you noted about him wanting to be a hero/ rescuer. Just my 2 cents.
Hey, GF!!! I wanted to drop a note to say "hi" and see how you are progressing these days. I am amazed at how a year has truly changed your sitch around! Communication is indeed hard, but you both will reap the rewards of it.
Hey gang, just a quick note to let you know that I have not dropped off the face of the earth!
Work has been extremely busy lately and my class has been very challenging (to say the least!). Gabe, this guy is having me for breakfast! I've 3 weeks left with him and I can't wait until it's over! It's unfortunate because the texts have been very interesting, but this guy is just a drag!
Anyway, things are still going swimmingly with SO. We celebrated Valentine's Day last Friday with a dinner/dancing date. Fun stuff!
Happy Valentine's Day to all of my wonderful, loving DR friends!
Here is my Valentine's Day gift for you (it made me think of all of you):
Quote: Gathering For Truth Satsang
Satsang is a Sanskrit word combining "satya" meaning "truth" and "sangha" meaning "group. " It describes a gathering of people for the purpose of spiritual truth. Satsang is often used when referring to a meeting with a guru or a spiritual mentor. During Satsang, participants read inspiring words, discuss its teachings, meditate, and find ways to bring this awareness into daily life.
While attending services or spiritual study groups can be thought of as participating in Satsangs, this practice can also apply to any group of people that are gathered to inspire one another and express the truth free from judgment. A Satsang can be a group of people that are gathered to sing, play, or listen to music. All that needs to be there is the intention to inspire one another and tell the truth. A Satsang can also be a support group, book club, yoga class, or meeting between friends for coffee or conversation. We don't need to be in a place of worship or supervised by appointed leaders to experience the truth. The truth can be found in every moment and it can be experienced with anyone. Spending time with someone who enlightens us can be as simple as visiting with a grandmother or talking to a best friend.
There is wisdom to be gleaned from being with people even when the gatherings are not specifically intended for personal improvement or spiritual transformation. Any occasion we are gathered with people who understand and support us can be a spiritual experience. While gatherings with the intention of communing with spirit are undoubtedly powerful and inspiring, getting together with people that uplift us by their presence alone is also vital to our well-being. When we recognize all the people we know that support and enrich us, our lives can become an extended Satsang.
Thank you for your collective wisdom and support and for speaking the truth. You all have enriched my life tenfold.
Sorry I wasn't here for you during your rough patch. I'm back after 6 weeks or so of being gone, but I've caught up on your thread. You seem to have dealt with the OW2 startup incident, but here's a thought in case it comes up again...
Remember who he was when that started, as evidenced by all the deception that happened afterward. The incident is new to you, because you just discovered it, but his behavior was the old him. Yes, he didn't fess up now, for whatever reasons. But you can't interpret old behavior as a new deception, in today's context.
Glad you got a chance to celebrate Valentine's Day. What did you wind up getting him?
This morning I was doing some organizing while I worked on my final. I came across a paper journal I'd started back in October 2004 when all of this happened and I discovered DR.
Here's a very early entry:
Goals:
I want more quality/alone time with SO as a couple.
I want our conflicts to be less frequent, more fair, remain on topic, and less intense.
I will be more affirming of SO (compliments, support is activities and his parenting, etc.).
I will treat SO more like a friend and stop putting demands on him.
We will be dating again by April ('05). (?)
Okay, 4 out of 5 ain't bad, and I did eventually make all 5!
We actually had a good example of the conflict and friend goals yesterday. I had to cancel our standing lunch b/c I had a training, so I invited him to come join me with some of my gf's for a little get-together last night. He said he probably couldn't b/c he was planning a possible game night with his mf. I was a little hurt by that b/c he'd been with his mf last weekend, we did a joint game thing with his mf and his gf on Saturday evening (which wasn't our original plan), and he was doing lunch with same mf today.
My response? After thinking about it for a few I said, "I'm kind of aggravated. No, I'm not aggravated; I'm kind of hurt and disappointed. You did A, B, and C with mf in the past week, and we haven't had any alone time for nearly 2 weeks. But it's okay. You have to do what you have to do, and we still have Friday night together. I love you."
The result? He showed up last night after all! He told me he thought about it, and that I was right. I just told him how glad I was that he was here.
We spent most of the evening talking to other people at the table, but the whole time we held hands. And we danced a couple of dances.
I wanted to drop a note to say "hi" and see how you are progressing these days. I am amazed at how a year has truly changed your sitch around! Communication is indeed hard, but you both will reap the rewards of it. 
Slowly