Thanks for weighing in on the suggestions! Unfortunately, by the time Feb. 14 rolls around, I think SO will be back on daddy duty. We'll have to work it in over the weekend. Right now the date plan is go to a supper club with a small quartet for a little dining and dancing pleasure.
SO and I have had some good, but hard, conversations during the past few days. A few nights ago, I had a dream. The content isn't that important, but suffice it to say that it had to do with OW2 (who turned out to be someone he had an A with during R1).
Anyway, when we first talked about it, I wasn't very direct and it just sort of came seeping out (Mistake #1). I was still on the fence about discussing it with him at all, but then I caught him looking for OW2's car.
So when it first started to just come out, he got defensive and tried to turn it around back on me and point out some past mistake I had made. While we didn't argue, this just simply wasn't a pleasant conversation. I pointed out how humiliated I felt because it turned out when I was being suspicious about stuff, I was right and was made to feel so wrong and guilty about being suspicious in the first place. He admitted he feels humiliated about it now and doesn't want to discuss it with anyone. He doesn't want anyone he knows to know about it; he's too embarrassed. We were both sad. (This conversation occurred on the phone, btw.)
The next day, Sunday, I got up and went to church. I was feeling pretty bad about the conversation -- after all, it's not his fault I had a dream that reflects my own insecurities. Of course all the usual lessons about forgiveness where there during worship. I realized right there and then that I truly have forgiven him. I really do want to trust him and I DO want this to work out. I also know that's not going to happen if I use this to club him with sometime in the future.
We met for lunch after church and talked about it a little more. He doesn't even like using the word "affair". I told him the reason I keep coming back to this is because I know that A's are only a symptom and not the problem. I told him that I was sorry about the way the conversation went the night before, and that I know I contributed the breakdown of the R1 which led to an A. I also let him know that I want to understand what I did wrong so I won't do it again, and that I don't want either one of us to ever be in that position again.
Here's the interesting part -- his response, so listen up, DR's...this is straight from a WA's mouth:
He told me that an A is never the victim's fault. The fact that we weren't getting along at the time was merely a convenient excuse. In his estimation, this kind of behavior, at least on his part, is a character flaw.
Wow. How's that for leaving you speechless, eh?
You know, eventually, I think I would like to get SO on this bb. I think he'd be a great former WA to share a lot of good perspectives, and trust me, he loves to talk about himself! He'd be the first to admit it!
And here's something of interest to note: I have noticed internally that the more of these conversations I have with SO, the closer I feel to him and the more I trust him again. I feel that he is being more open with me, and that openness creates a new environment for trust to grow.
He'd be the first to admit it!
