Hi Martha - How 'bout another perspective? What does it say about SO's state of mind that he finds 'the immaturity' attractive? I think sometimes we expect ourselves and everyone else to have the same 'needs' at all times, when in fact depending on a bunch of different influences we may go through phases. If we are very lucky with our partners, the phases can match.
Take for example this past 18 months. As NG was just ending the a, I was in full GAL mode. He was also hungry for distractions, we maintained a blistering social life. Somehow he drifted into an intense period at work, and became reluctant to go out quite so much. At the same time, I was feeling the need to process having 'survived' the mauling of an affair. We were both at home together, in our respective caves, at some level providing solace to each other. And now we are entering yet another phase, hopefully we will not be too much out of sync.
Could SO be going through a phase where the call to nurture is strong?
Thanks for weighing in. You know I hold your opinion/insight in very high esteem.
Quote: Could SO be going through a phase where the call to nurture is strong?
I'm not clear on what you're referencing here. Do you mean toward OW2 or toward me?
I think dating her during the S, to some degree, boiled down to guilt/obligation/convenience. She was, after all, a known factor, very convenient, saying everything he wanted to hear. She's the one he had a PA with when we were together.
I find myself feeling impatient with myself. I want to get this processing over with so I can move on. It's hard to manage "moving forward" with SO while I have this little, black cloud over my head to deal with. To some degree, albeit lesser than a couple of weeks ago, I'm still dealing with a sense of shock and disbelief. It is still difficult for me to reconcile the SO I know with the SO who was unfaithful.
Initially I questioned whether this is something I could live with. Very idealistic of me. The pragmatist in me says, "Hey, lots of people are dealing with this very issue. They've used it to their advantage and have come out stronger in the long-run." I want to choose the later. I choose the latter. It's just walking through the burning coals to get there that's challenging me at this very moment.
Not much to journal from the weekend. SO is on dad duty during the 2nd half of the month. I spent the weekend with family, doing homework, housework and the like.
I've a question, however. I suspect I know what the answer will be, but I could use some constructive, objective feedback.
Around the time of the PA during R1, SO was also traveling extensively for work. Should I ask if there were other PA's during this time?
I've asked myself what's the gain in asking, and I'm not clear.
If the answer is "no", then that provides some comfort about the situation and reflects at least some ability on his part to maintain some sense of control.
If the answer is "yes", well, hmmm...I'm not sure what I gain.
In the asking, it provides us an opportunity to really be honest with each other and rebuild trust, at least I think it does.
Thoughts? I've really been tossing this one around for a couple weeks, to no avail.
Oh yuck. I hate those thoughts. My gut reaction is to ask, but that's not always the smart thing to do. What would you gain? I don't know. Do you need to know the whole truth?
Catching up with you. I haven't read this whole thread, but I do notice something different than when your SO first came back. You seem more insecure in the relationship now and perhaps less confident in yourself. It seems as though you are in a position of vunerability, as everyone that gets in a meaningful relationship must.
Why are you worried about OW or about any potential OW that occurred during separation? Would knowing about other women help you any? I thought you started a fresh relationship and now come equipped with everything you learned during this painful process. Would you even want SO if he chose some immature charity case over you? Remember, with all you have to offer, he can't do better than you. Just be yourself, make yourself happy, be good to SO, and try not to worry so much about the past (easier said than done).
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I found out SO had a PA with the girl who later turned into OW2 during the S. The PA occurred about 6 mos. pre-bomb.
I'm no less confident in myself, but it has put a bit of a damper on my trust of him, which we are both working to rebuild. And it put a slightly different spin on the whole thing. Changed my perception of him, know what I mean?
Quote: I found out SO had a PA with the girl who later turned into OW2 during the S. The PA occurred about 6 mos. pre-bomb.
I know it's a trust issue and that it changes your perception of him, I've confronted those issues myself, but I still feel that was two different people. I faced this myself and it seemed there were only two choices: Trust her and potentially have the trust betrayed or not trust her and find out the mistrust was warranted or it was not. And I came to a bottom line where I realized that if she picked someone else over me then I didn't want her anyway.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I am learning a lot from your thread in piecing as I know I will be here pretty soon myself! Talk about the big picture here: SO has committed himself to you and the R. It is only painful to YOU to dredge up past XOWs. Quit holding on to the past and look ahead. If you were riding on a bike and kept looking back, you are bound to run into a tree. I am sure you don't want this to happen to you, right?
