Easy to say, hard to follow thru with that. Ya know how people get into teasing about good looking people or stars or who you dream about? I remember the days of confidence when I could say 'if you think you can find better then go for it.' Did H think that was an offer? or is he remembering that now and is part reason for why he is still here.
Those things you are working on are great, especially that you can work on them together and make those acknowledgements. Just that is pretty dang good.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I've had a positively hellish week at work. The main thing I've been looking forward to all week is hanging out with SO tonight, just being quiet and loving and cuddly and recharging.
Today he received notice that his XW is attempting to garnish his wages for child support. This is extremely unfair of her; SO spent 18 months providing sole support for D15. And since she moved here, they've been sharing custody and he's been paying for far more than half of her support.
So now SO is extremely pissed and asked to have some down time before I come over. I've really been struggling with this, mostly because I'm exhausted and in some sore need of some care-taking. I know it's very selfish of me. He said he needed some down time so he could be good company.
I'm just so darned disappointed. We're not going to have that much time to just hang out during the weekend as it is. I have to work tomorrow morning, and he has a gig tomorrow night. His D15 returns home on Sunday.
As he was telling me this stuff, I was thinking, "So, okay, how would you be dealing with this if we were married, SO? You couldn't call me and tell me not to come home, and I wouldn't be wild about you going out without me on a Friday night."
I know this shows some growth on his part, and I do respect that. I'm just disappointed.
Sorry to hear that your week was so rough on you, Hon! And that he's in a rough spot at the same time. Sounds like he needs to visit his cave for a bit.
I was thinking about a different 'what if'. So as to not repeat MOS behaviors that got you in trouble in the first place, what could you do to self-care, meet your needs yourself tonight? 'member all those wonderful Venusian ways of self-caring that you've shared with me?
This is an important issue, as there will be times in the M when this happens again. When he won't be able, for whatever reason, to be there to feed you or address your needs.
Stay flexible and try slipping into a heavy self-care mode when you feel these expectancies rear their heads.
Later on, you can ask him to spend that special time with you.
I hope your evening turned out to be okay. Disappointment is tough, but it was very nice and important that he shared with you his reasons for needing time for himself. What do you think about asking him your question, what if you were married? How would he handle it then? Good question.
Does SO have proof of his shared support? Is there an existing order? Many times what doesn't go thru the courts doesn't count if it's not on their records. It sure is great that he's been doing more than his share already, that shows good character.
As hard as it is, the only one that can take care of us is us. We can hope and ask, but it's only us. It always comes back to that, doesn't it?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I actually think what SO doing is so respectful to you. Look at it from his POV. He does NOT want to be a bad company to you!!! He is verbalizing his need to unwind so he CAN be good company to you. Heh?! In his own way, SO is working to maintain the love-bond between the two of you by doing his part to communicate his NEEDS to you.
Quote: As he was telling me this stuff, I was thinking, "So, okay, how would you be dealing with this if we were married, SO? You couldn't call me and tell me not to come home, and I wouldn't be wild about you going out without me on a Friday night."
By now you got through the weekend, but I'm curious about the "going out without you on Friday night" part. I got the impression he was planning to stay in and rest up a bit, not head out on his own to "recharge" so he could be good company.
Thanks,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Thanks for weighing in. Yeah, I was being whiney. Thanks for listening and being supportive.
I went over to SO's later in the evening. We just had a quiet dinner and hung out, watched a little tv and then went to bed. He was in a little better mood when I arrived. I offered to take him out to dinner to our favorite Italian restaraunt, but he declined.
I had to work early on Sat. a.m. so I was up and out the door before 8. He got up shortly before I left and started his day too. We spent most of Saturday evening apart. I had a work party to attend and he had a pvt. comedy troupe gig. He came over to my place after he got back to town and we stayed there for the night.
The party I attended was good. I really enjoy the department I'm working for now and am making some good friends. They are much more sociable than the last department I worked for.
Sunday we spent a reasonable amount of time together too, after I finished my responsiblities with church and such. Sunday evening I had a mtg to go to. SO went to a friend's house for a short game-night. We watched a movie at his place afterwards and I spent the night.
It was a 3-day weekend with the holiday, so we got a reasonable amount of quality time together, while also being able to take care of our own stuff.
Yesterday I went home and worked on homework, laundry and baked some cookies for my staff.
One issue I'm having problems with is that I get very emotional when we ML. I'm finding myself in tears afterwards (thinking about OW's).
As he was telling me this stuff, I was thinking, "So, okay, how would you be dealing with this if we were married, SO? You couldn't call me and tell me not to come home, and I wouldn't be wild about you going out without me on a Friday night."
By now you got through the weekend, but I'm curious about the "going out without you on Friday night" part. I got the impression he was planning to stay in and rest up a bit, not head out on his own to "recharge" so he could be good company.
Yes, that's exactly what he did. I was throwing out the "going out on a Friday night" scenario as a hypothetical. Sorry I wasn't being clear on that. And, it is probably my projecting. If I was having a bad time, that's what I'd want to do to blow off some steam.
Quote: One issue I'm having problems with is that I get very emotional when we ML. I'm finding myself in tears afterwards (thinking about OW's). Any thoughts on ways I can mitigate this?
Yep: repetition, repetition, repetition. No, I'm not kidding. ML is very bonding, and healing as I'm sure you are experiencing. Expressing your emotion is likely part of the healing process. You 2 seem to be continuing to do a lot of communicating, and I imagine that this hurt will be part of what you discuss. As with the crying, this should help you to heal, as will the growing trust b/t the two of you.
Quote: Yep: repetition, repetition, repetition. No, I'm not kidding. ML is very bonding, and healing as I'm sure you are experiencing.
Huh. I guess it's the oxytocin, eh?
I don't tell SO why I get teary. I don't want him to feel that I'm beating him up with the past. I know there's nothing I could say to him that he hasn't already said to himself. When he sees me that way at that particular time, he asks me if I'm alright and makes sure he hasn't hurt me physically in some way (which of course he hasn't...our love life is FANTASTIC!). Sometimes we cuddle and the tears go away, and sometimes I get up and shake it off, Martian-like, I suppose.
I'm hoping that he's finding the activity very healing too. He needs to do a lot of healing from all of this as well, and I try to contribute to that as much as possible, or at least be sensitive to it.
Thanks for the thoughts, Gabe. It certainly gives me something to consider. Unfortunately, he's on his daddy rotation, so there won't be a lot of "bonding" going on over the next 2 weeks.
In his own way, SO is working to maintain the love-bond between the two of you by doing his part to communicate his NEEDS to you. 
Thanks for listening and being supportive. 
No, I'm not kidding. ML is very bonding, and healing as I'm sure you are experiencing. Expressing your emotion is likely part of the healing process. You 2 seem to be continuing to do a lot of communicating, and I imagine that this hurt will be part of what you discuss. As with the crying, this should help you to heal, as will the growing trust b/t the two of you.