Quote: The best I can pull out of my tool bag right now is to just try to live in the present with SO.
I ain't piecing anything, but I have a feeling that your best is good enough. Maybe try to live in the present, no matter what.
I ain't sayin' it's easy, but you do seem to have your own solution in your own words. With a little more time, you might be able to approach this with him more easily. Sometimes the 24 hour rule calls for the extra long, 120 or 240 minute hours, ya know?
Thanks,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Tonight seems to be a night of introspection and retrospection for me. I started reviewing my thread, my story, from the beginning. I only got as far as the first two strands.
And right now, my heart is very, very full. It is full of the most amazing amount of gratitude for all of you. I see names who have come and gone, who provided a word of kindness or advice when I most needed it, but have seemingly left the bb. I see names and faces of people with whom I started this journey with, and some of the "village elders". Some of us are still wondering if this works to rescue and rebuild our R/M. Some of us have fairly successfully rebuilt. Some have D'd but are still workimg and some have D'd and are building new lives.
But I am amazed. I am astonished at the depth of love and commitment I see in the postings here. The anguish and the unspeakable joy. And I am moved to tears.
You all, each and every one of you, posters and lurkers alike, are what really bring hope to the rest of the community here. It's not the baby steps we see in our WAS's. We bring hope and peace to one another. I am humbled to be a part of it, and I thank God for bringing us all together.
I've been thinking a lot about blogs lately, for obvious reasons, and I've been reading some, both written both by people I know and total strangers. While this bb is somewhat like a blog, in other ways it is so very different and so much better.
Blogs are often tedious and mundane ramblings, sometimes perhaps posted by people who feel they have no real voice in their real lives. They come to the internet to throw out random thoughts in the hopes that someone, somewhere in the ether some random, faceless stranger will hear them.
But this bb is so much more. We come here with a clear purpose and motivated by love and anguish. We come together in a community of like-mindedness that love is a verb and that commitment is for life.
I am in awe. Thank you for giving so much of yourselves to me. I hope I have in turn given to all of you.
Wllowwlk, I sure appreciate you. Today I am full of anguish, it's been coming out of my fingers all morning. And then I come and read this, and I have an immediate feeling of calming down. You truly do bring hope and peace.
Quote: love is a verb and that commitment is for life.
Thank you for this reminder.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
It sure has been a long journey, hasn't it? We started out at about the same time, way back in Newcomers, wasn't it? You were moving out of your place the same time my STBXW was moving to the guest room.
Our sitches took different turns, but I think the paths we ourselves took these last 16 months are more alike than different.
Thank you for the prayers, and for sharing your journey.
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
For those of you on this Piecing thread, how have you been able to move past these things? What tool have you been using?
Strangely, introspection was one of my most important tools. It may be because I'm an analytical sort of person anyway, but in moments of extreme anguish, I cry, then sit and think. To be honest, if I knew at the begining the extent of the betrayal, I would have walked out. I was like the frog who got boiled slowly, by the time the full revelation happened, I had been dbing, and found courage in the many other stories here.
I want to continue to be amazing about this whole thing, not just to SO but I want to amaze myself too.
This I think is often the biggest gap, and one that widens over time. From what I can see, the LBS pulls out all stops, including self examination, charting for personal growth, to become a better partner in a better relationship. The WAs do not always seem to appreciate, or want to explore, what happened, why, and how to grow from the experience. NG certainly wants to just forget the affair ever happened, and his 'mistakes'. He once told me he felt 'humiliated' about the whole thing.
That would be easier for me to believe if he hadn't used the word "admire" toward OW2, even post break-up between them.
Honestly, this could be a combination of Mars/Venus and culture. I know in my circle of acquaintances to praise someone to their face can be a bit 'wet' but to say someone was amazing to a third party would be no problem. England is after all, a half -empty culture What do his actions say to you? Does he consider your views, does he behave in a way that underscores his admiration and respect?
I liked H2H's link to the resentment article too. So apt, no?
Hi Willow, I have just been reading your thread. When I first found out about H and OW, he described her as 'intriguing', and me as 'comfortable'. How's that for PMA stunting. Yesterday, I was having an uncomfortable discussion (you can check out my thread), and I said, you have no respect for me at all. He said 'I do have a lot of respect for you'. Now, he is still well entrenched in the OW... living with her, very little contact with me. He had come to my office, in support of some of her complaints to him about me. It really is the actions, not the words that count. His actions show total disrespect for me. If you see actions that show your H does, believe that, and don't dwell on the words. I know I'd rather see that he respected me, than hear him say it and while continuing to do everything that is the total opposite of that. Once
Quote: I was like the frog who got boiled slowly, by the time the full revelation happened, I had been dbing, and found courage in the many other stories here.
Interesting you should just now make this statement. I just bookmarked your first thread a couple of days ago so I could start tracking your journey.
Quote: NG certainly wants to just forget the affair ever happened, and his 'mistakes'. He once told me he felt 'humiliated' about the whole thing.
This may be a Martian thing too. Hell, it may just be a human thing! After all, do you want to talk about things you've been involved in which you found humiliating? That some pretty strong language there, pard'na...I think he's telling you something.
SO has not used language that strong. I hear a lot about how, "now [he's] doing the right thing" and how much better "doing the right thing" makes him feel. He also talks about how rough the past year was, and how what horrible shape he was in without me, and how he never wants to be there again.
Quote: What do his actions say to you? Does he consider your views, does he behave in a way that underscores his admiration and respect?
This is something we are both working on:
He is very good about considering my views. Always asks my opinion about things, and has demonstrated that he's not afraid to vent with me (no longer "at" me). I'm working at learning when to just smile and nod and be supportive, and when I need to say more. It's a learning thing.
I believe his actions demonstrate that he values and respects me. He's back to inviting me to activities that include his family (but not his D15), and some of his other friends (not related to OW2).
We are still working on the trust issues. We still live in separate homes and have a lot of apart time. Neither of us is forcing the other to be accountable for every second of the day. Sometimes my doubts creep in, but I'm getting pretty good about saying to myself, "Hey, if he chooses to make that mistake again, he knows what he's blowing."
As you may recall from some of my earlier postings, I am learning to resist the urge to analyze too much. Introspection is good when you can learn from it, but too much is not good for the heart nor the soul, nor the partner. Sometimes my analytical skills became a stick to beat SO over the head with. That's probably the biggest one I struggle with right now.
It's very difficult for me to not say, "But what about all that talk about your ethics and values? And how icky cheating is?" Yes, I'm still a work in progress!
Yes, I'm still a work in progress!