Okay, first let's be clear that I don't "believe" in horoscopes. But some of you around this bb have turned me on to Cainer, so I do go to the site and read occasionally. I do it mostly because I find what he has to say to be insightful and even a tad inspirational from time to time. This is what I'm finding today:
For This Week: The New Year begins with a New Moon in your opposite sign. That's an auspicious omen, a potent portent, a strong suggestion of a fruitful future. It implies important change in the nature of a close relationship. There's someone you don't always see eye to eye with. There's also a need that remains frustratingly unfulfilled. You can fix all this and more, by making a clear, conscious decision to put a part of the past behind you. An involvement needs to move forward on a fresh footing. A new source of love and inspiration is now ready and willing to enter your life. All that's needed, from you, is the desire for things to be different.
For Yesterday:There are more than six billion people on this planet. All, to some extent, are following what they believe to be their own self-interest. No wonder there's a shortage of compassion and co-operation. In one sensitive area of life, though, you now have a chance to act wisely and unselfishly. If you do, will you make yourself seem foolish in the eyes of others? Only if they are foolish! Act according to the best example you have ever been shown. Reach for the highest standard. Do what you know you can be proud of yourself for doing.
The interesting part about the statements, "Act according to the best example you have ever been shown. Reach for the highest standard," is that this is what I've learned, more than anything, from SO. Outside of the crappy parts, he's been one of the best human beings I've ever known. He's always discussing/pushing to be the most moral, or at least striving for, the moral high ground.
Boy, talk about a dichotomy, eh?
One of the things I've been wrestling with this week is that it's not clear to me that SO has any real admiration for me. I've heard him talk a lot about how much he admires other people, and for some reason he holds all of his past GF's in some high regard, even OW2 (even after they cheated on our R -- wtf? whatever! not horribly moral, in my estimation, on either of their parts...).
Anyway, before the discovery of the blog, SO would often tell me what he was journaling, and sometimes combine that with how much he loved me, how happy he was with our present R, how I was his muse, his inspiration. I guess I sort of expected to see some of that on his blog, but it was pretty lacking. He did mention how happy he is now, though I'm sure it was in direct correlation to our R.
I find this disappointing because it's like he can't see his nose in spite of his face or something. I mean, come on, I may be a lot of things (both good and bad), but I think overall I am pretty admirable.
Don't misunderstand. He does tell me often how wonderful I am, how beautiful I am, sexy, funny, smart...but he never uses words which would indicate respect or admiration.
Am I reading too much into this? I mentioned this on the teary night when we discussed the affair. The next night, after a quiet night and some pleasant conversation (just watching TV and holding hands/cuddling), he told me I was pretty amazing. He said it because we were able to talk about the affair the night before without anger and horribleness. I told him <again> that I hadn't wanted to discuss it with him that way and I apologized for just blurting it out in a burst of tears. He said he didn't mind the tears.
From a <slightly more> objective perspective, I just find it kind of sad that he doesn't seem to get how amazing I really am, especially after my journey of the past 18 months.
Things that make you go, "huh". Hopefully he'll get it eventually.
Here's my take. Not trying to bust your chops, just challenging you to think a bit differently:
Quote: He does tell me often how wonderful I am, how beautiful I am, sexy, funny, smart...but he never uses words which would indicate respect or admiration.
To me, those very words are his indications of respect and admiration for you. Be care of your expectations. Seems like you're digging for him to make comparisons, perhaps to OW1 or OW2? If you are feeling insecure or unsure, making staying in the here-and-now, and telling him, "I'm feeling insecure for some reason, and I'd like to snuggle/a hug". [Remember the common MOS behavior of expecting mind-reading versus directly communicating].
Quote: I just find it kind of sad that he doesn't seem to get how amazing I really am, especially after my journey of the past 18 months.
This seems like another dangerous "should". Stay with the mindset that the world is unfair, that "shoulds, oughts, and musts" are nonsense, and that his differences from you are for a variety of reasons, not merely one possibility.
I admire all of you in the Piecing Forum. So many of us start out in Newcomers only dreaming of the fairytale reconciliation moment, not realizing that that moment is when the real DBing work begins.
You may never get that acknowledgment or "thank you" for all of your efforts from SO, M. Are you okay with that? Is having your R back as your reward enough?
In my sitch, when these insecurities and expectations creep in, its usuallly a sign that I need to amp up my GAL/self-care work.
You take great care of your wonderful self, okay Hon?
Quote: To me, those very words are his indications of respect and admiration for you.
I really needed this Martian perspective. Good as I am, I'm still no Martian. I didn't realize that this language, these words, also indicate respect and admiration. Sometimes we Venusians also interpret this to mean, "I want to get into your pants," or something similar.
Quote: This seems like another dangerous "should". Stay with the mindset that the world is unfair, that "shoulds, oughts, and musts" are nonsense, and that his differences from you are for a variety of reasons, not merely one possibility.
Thank you for this reminder too. Really. I need to hear this. I don't want to end up in a cake-eating mode. That will just really set things back in an unwanted way.
I don't want to move backwards. I don't want to rehash the past. I want to gather up my tools and my knowledge and my skills and my love and move forward on a path that is positive and meaningful and rewarding for both SO and myself. And it is my fervent hope that it can be done together.
He's been mentioning a couple of times lately (before this came up) that he has my Valentine's gift on lay-away. Hmmmm...I wonder what it might be?
I wonder, too, if this is part of his love language somehow? He's telling you all of these great things--maybe "respect" and "admiration" are words/ concepts that he saves for other people and situations that are not as close to his heart as your R.
Quote: maybe "respect" and "admiration" are words/ concepts that he saves for other people and situations that are not as close to his heart as your R.
That would be easier for me to believe if he hadn't used the word "admire" toward OW2, even post break-up between them.
Update.
I'm still struggling with a lot of inner conflict over this whole thing. While I don't think I'm suppressing anger, I'm not really expressing any either.
I want to continue to be amazing about this whole thing, not just to SO but I want to amaze myself too.
But boy the things I think about doing and saying. Grrrrrrr! Yeah, I'm pissed. But I find the level of my anger is in direct proportion to how much I think about it (the more I think about it, the angrier I feel, and the less I think about it, the anger dimishes to a small red coal). I thank the "Feel Good" book for this ability to manage this.
Of course the other thing I struggle with is the smashed construct I previously had, about SO and what we shared together. This is piece that I think is going to be the most difficult to sort out.
It's not like anyone's never been unfaithful to me, cheated on me, before. Toward the end of M#1, both XH and myself were running around; neither of us were grown-up about it. And XH #2 also cheated on me. I found this out after he moved out. A florist was trying to stick me for his bill of flowers he had sent to an OW. I don't think so, dude.
But SO and I have had so many conversations about morality and ethics and appropriate behavior and motivations. And we are talking about those things again. How do I reconcile what is coming out of his mouth with his actions?
Even when we were at our very worst, our ugliest, toward the end of R1, I never, ever would have thought he would have done this. And the context of our history during this time -- it still makes no sense. (For those of you who've been following my story all along, he started his PA with this girl the very week he got back from Dallas, when he got his DUI. Apparently he'd already been having an EA with her prior.)
For those of you on this Piecing thread, how have you been able to move past these things? What tool have you been using?
The best I can pull out of my tool bag right now is to just try to live in the present with SO.
Any input would be greatly appreciated (ahem...Ellie, if you're out there...).
Well, yeah, I can see that. Maybe he needs to learn some new vocabulary words! I might have missed this part, but have you ever told him how much it would mean to you to hear him actually say he respects and admires you?
So you guys talked about it and you tried to be very calm and let him see that it is safe to discuss this type of thing with you. I saw that he thought you were pretty amazing in the way you've handled it so far, so clearly you did a good job there. What did he say about it? Was he regretful? Did he apologize?
I sure understand the thoughts about never ever would have done this. H and I had all those conversations, how we would never do that, we would always be open to each other, we both have morals and ethics. Where did that go? how did it come to this?
I do think you're onto a good idea. Live in the present with SO, without ow. It hurts for you, but it's past history. I don't know your whole history, but would it be a conversation you could have to ask him what he felt at that time? why would he do that? what can be done to avoid those feelings again? I haven't moved past all of this yet, obviously. But I am definetely less consumed by it all, and someday I hope H and I are in a spot that I am able to ask him those questions to help us heal.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Quote: What did he say about it? Was he regretful? Did he apologize?
He has said he was sorry (that was the first night we talked about it). I think he said he never meant to hurt me, and that he didn't tell me because he was trying to protect me.
For the most part, he talks about how we were different people then. For example, last night as we were falling asleep, we talked about it but not in great detail. I told him that one of the things I'm wrestling with is that it's like believing that all of your life that the sky is blue and the grass is green, and then you suddenly find out that the sky is purple and the grass is pink. He promised me that the sky would be blue again.
<sigh> Yeah, it's tough, but we're working through it.
