Thanks for dropping by. I guess I haven't updated recently. I did spend some time in newcomers yesterday trying to help if possible.
Things are good with my SO and I. We had a fight and a big discussion about what we are doing and basically I came to the same point you did M. I've made the choice to have a relationship with my XW and so I would commit to it. By the way, those feelings I had before have subsided. I feel in love and I also feel loved. We might both have our insecurities, but the difference this time around is that we are open with each other and that helps. And yes, she's meeting me half way and sometimes comes most of the way when I'm having doubts. Honestly, things now are better than at any time I can remember in my marriage and I think the difference is in both of us.
One interesting note: When we got in a fight this weekend I did something different and handled it well--finally. She commented about it the next day and seemed appreciative and also told the counselor that she thought I did a good job. That kind of positive reinforcement is sure helpful.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
What are you fighting about, just as a matter of interest, just petty stuff? Did you always fight with each other regularly or is that insecurities post-D?
You sound as if you're more happy with where you are, anyway.
The one fight was just petty stuff when we were both tired and crabby. The most recent fight was what we always fought about...issues with the kids. She had a point and so I did agree with her, but not before I pointed out.."we're not married" which came across as "you have no right to come in here and act like their step-mom". It was a low blow by me and I acknowledged that it came out of fear and insecurity. We patched it up, but did talk about it with the MC yesterday. Right now our focus is on dealing with an commitment phobias and learning how to discuss/argue in a more constructive way.
Thanks
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
My take of the past several posts is that she is showing much more maturity/growth than you would have thought, even 2-3 months ago.
Why do you think this is? Is the LBS as biased in his/her depiction of the WAS as the WAS is of the LBS? Or are you still carrying the lion's share of R work?
Quote: Is the LBS as biased in his/her depiction of the WAS as the WAS is of the LBS? Or are you still carrying the lion's share of R work?
Yes, at least in this case, my opinion of her was biased. I am not carrying the load of the R work. It's pretty much equal with periods where I'm doing more work and times when she is. I felt she was self-centered before, but now through our discussions I think that it was more self-preservation than self-centered. Given her mindset, there was really very little reason to reveal her feelings for me. Honestly Gabe, she is the one that is most secure in this relationship. It's as though when she made the decision to commit to us and realized she loved me, she threw herself into it. I'm the one that is reining things in, especially when we have a disagreement.
The only thing I note is that she still fights as though I'm the same person that had fights with her before. I think I threw her for a loop by being able to handle myself better. Perhaps when she's thrown off some preconceptions or bad remembrances of me, we'll really go a long way towards making a great relationship.
I've spent some time on the newcomers area giving advice and looking through their struggles. And know what? I'm glad this occurred. I really think that all of this was for the best and that if she had come back before I had a chance to work on myself that it wouldn't be easy to stay together.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I think it's great the progress the two of you are making. I have no illusions in my sitch that there is little or no hope any more. Especially with OM/STBH in the picture.
I guess I'm left wondering if I did enough or could have done things differently to reach a different result.
This leaves me feeling as though I'm a failure or not worthy somehow. Pity party for one, your table is ready!
Quote: Yes, at least in this case, my opinion of her was biased. I am not carrying the load of the R work. It's pretty much equal with periods where I'm doing more work and times when she is.
This is excellent. I've started to see growth in my XW that I hadn't before. Sometimes I wonder if its b/c she is changing, othertimes if its because my bias is less.
That's awesome that she's working hard and that you feel equally yoked in many ways.
I was very pleased to see things turn around for you--congratulations. You gave some good advice in the newcomers section also.
I have a question for you. I am to the point that I am stopping my communication with ex. He lives three hours from me so we rarely see each other, but we do speak literally every single night. As you probably already know, we are in a very codependent relationship. I have been waiting patiently for ex to start recovery for his addiction, and I realize that I am going to wait my life away if I continue doing things like I am doing. I have decided that I am going to tell him that as long as he is taking pills and not in a recovery program, I cannot have any sort of relationship with him.
My question for you is this. I noticed that right before you and ex got back together, you detached a lot from her. What did this involve? Did you go days, weeks or months without seeing or speaking to her or did things basically stay the same with you detaching emotionally. I am just curious.
I know my situation is much more complicated than yours and I really have no other choice but to stop all communication. I was just curious about the details of the downsizing in communication between you and ex.
Sorry for the delay; I was off Friday and out of town this weekend and I usually don't do much typing on here on weekends anyway. In answer to your question...the detachment at the end was more emotional than anything. It was a change in the way I talked to her and was around her. We saw much less of each other, but I think the longest period of no contact would have been only 3 days or so. The difference was I didn't enquire about her plans, I made my own, and just had more of an attitude of disinterest. It was genuine though, I was at a point where it was more enjoyable to not hear from her. She would still call if I didn't though. She called Thanksgiving and Christmas.
For you Sam my feeling is that if you are talking nightly that both of you are still in the relationship, but it is staying the same because of his addiction. I really don't even know what to suggest, but will take a shot at it. I agree that you can't just put your life on hold waiting for him to get help. It would be almost preferable to proceed with your life as though it is over forever and if he makes the change, fine, maybe you can reconcile.
It really depends on you. If you truly get a life and proceed on your own, he may be gone forever. But the upside is that you will have found out that it is okay. It wasn't meant to be. I think it is fair to give notice to him that you can't keep your life on hold waiting for him and you can't be with him until he's clean. If you are going to talk nightly or every other night I would make it short and be sure you have something else to do. Just my thoughts
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
