Good luck with the counseling, dude. Don't forget to make sure your counselor is just as interested in saving and improving the R as you are. Set goals. Let the counselor know you have expectations.
Quote: Everyone remembers the problems and assumes that this is the start of the same old, same old.
Definitely. That was even said..."this just seems like we're fighting the same way." I told her that I felt it wasn't the end of the world. We had a fight and just needed to learn ways to work through them more productively.
M, don't worry, we'll make sure that she's interested in helping us save our relationship rather than give us reasons why we can't.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Sounds like you're both looking at things realistically, actually. The fight and the open discussions may actually be positives in that you now can be 'real' with each other, maybe even talking about the boundaries each of you might like (e.g., time together away from the kids, time with family, time for oneself).
I've always thought that DBing 'really' begins once you both attempt to reconcile. Alone, it's easier to hit those triple-axles, but in tandem you now have to work thru things in sync or at least in consideration of the other person.
How are the kids taking to all of this change? Any acting or testing?
PS - I wonder if its time for you to move over to Piecing? You might get better and more frequent advice from folks also in this more intensive form of DBing.
Quote: I wonder if its time for you to move over to Piecing?
I would, but isn't that "piecing your marriage back together?" I don't have a marriage to piece...maybe if there was one called piecing your divorce back together. Just kidding. Will you still look for me? In light of my current mood, I don't know if I'm quite ready for piecing.
Today I've come across a new delimma. I have my XW back living with me, she's pretty much the person I knew, we have had productive talks, done some stuff together, ML, etc, but I'm feeling really uncertain of this. Last night and this morning I've tried to analyze my feelings and I think I'm understanding what it is. The behavior, hers and mine, is that of people that have been married for years and it isn't enough. We are living together, and while we do spend time together, there is the hustle and bustle of life going on. I feel like we needed to spend abundant time on rediscovering each other before just plugging time together into available spots around other activities. I don't feel comfortable that she loves me and I don't feel comfortable that I love her, not in the way I used to. It might be that my comfort level has more to do with the uncertainty of my feelings than with anything she is doing or not doing. Know what I mean? Because of how I feel, I project that same feeling onto her. But the truth is..despite hearing "I love you", I don't feel loved. That's hard for me to admit. I don't know what to do about it. Do I give it more time and see if this uneasiness resolves or do I tell her how I feel? Maybe this is a question for piecing.
Gabe, the kids are adjusting very nicely to this. No acting out or testing limits. It's as though she never left.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Why don't you tell her, 'ILY, but my confidence has been knocked. I need some more reassurance.'
She might be more forthcoming with the romance then.
If you're feeling like it's too much daily routine too soon, why don't you book a weekend away just for the 2 of you? You know, 4 poster bed, nice hotel, spa bath, that kind of thing and spend the whole time pampering each other. That'll give you more PMA!
I hope all will straighten itself out with you in regards to these feeling you are having. I myself, even though we are not together, have those same questions. On one hand I love her on the other, I am angry at her and afraid to believe in her. Then again, my X has not yet given me anything to believe in.
Maybe I am living a pipedream...At least for you, you are getting a chance. That is all we can ask for.
From what I have heard, those feelings you are experiencing are very normal and common. I know quite a few who have "reconciled", and even after years, they are still having some uneasy feelings about their M and spouses.
Quote: I don't feel comfortable that she loves me and I don't feel comfortable that I love her, not in the way I used to. It might be that my comfort level has more to do with the uncertainty of my feelings than with anything she is doing or not doing. Know what I mean? Because of how I feel, I project that same feeling onto her. But the truth is..despite hearing "I love you", I don't feel loved. That's hard for me to admit.
I wrestled with this too. I understand what you are feeling, Wes.
I came to the conclusion that I'd made my decision, and I was sticking to it. I recognized that while I didn't immediately feel the same way about SO, there were still plenty of coals there to work with. For me, this is where the whole, "trust is a choice and love is a verb" philosophies come into play. I choose to behave in loving ways every morning I get up. This applies to SO as well as to others, even some I don't feel very loving toward (e.g. coworkers, my prof, etc.).
I'd also decided that I'd come this far and it would be pretty foolish for me to give it up after making this much progress. SO seems to be willing to meet me half-way and has shown his own signs of growth. For me, this is where I am supposed to be. And it seems that this is where SO is supposed to be to. To use his illustration, our canoes are back in the same stream again.
But I certainly understand your hesistancy and your doubt.
I don't have a marriage to piece...maybe if there was one called piecing your divorce back together. 