Sounds like things are going quite well! Not sure what advice to give... How about "Slow and steady wins the race" ?
I like how you're checking in with yourself to see if your intuition or emotions are clueing you into notable patterns or problems that may be creeping in. That's probably a good thing - to keep a perspective about it all and to look for ways to prevent a neg turn from starting or continuing.
How does one keep up with self-care when the WAS returns fulltime? Is it less necessary now that your lovebank is being filled in part by your lover? Or is there a better balance than before the bomb, in which you keep feeding yourself some, making you less dependent on your lover for your needs?
Just curious about life on the other side of the looking glass... Take care, JM.
Quote: How does one keep up with self-care when the WAS returns fulltime? Is it less necessary now that your lovebank is being filled in part by your lover? Or is there a better balance than before the bomb, in which you keep feeding yourself some, making you less dependent on your lover for your needs?
Hard question Gabe. A lot of the previous things I did have been modified, but not a lot. 1) gym: Go with her now instead of alone 2) movies, restaurants: together 3) volleyball: still there as outlet 4) Friends: Still see them here at work. 5) Dating: Now my XW/girlfriend 6) Book: I hadn't done anything with that anyway for awhile, but I think I'll resume.
Things aren't that different with me. Before a fair amount of my time was dedicated to my kids' activities and it still is, only now she comes along. I guess we no longer are living separate lives. I do need to continue activities I enjoy on my own, but we also need some together.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: How does one keep up with self-care when the WAS returns fulltime? Is it less necessary now that your lovebank is being filled in part by your lover? Or is there a better balance than before the bomb, in which you keep feeding yourself some, making you less dependent on your lover for your needs?
I think I can easily weigh in on this one too.
SO and I do not live together, and that won't be happening for a while due to his D15. I think it is still very critical, for BOTH of us, to maintain a steady focus on our own self care-taking. From an objective perspective, I see SO struggling with this more than I, simply because he has a different set of demands and challenges with his life with D15 and XW complications. I find that I am freer with my "off" time than he.
We still manage to find time to do things together and find activities to enjoy together when he's on his dad rotation (1/2 month cycles). And, interestingly enough, I don't feel that this adds pressure for the "on" times of the month (non-dad-duty time).
Additionally, I notice he has a lower frustration threshhold when he doesn't get his self-care time. I try to encourage it, and it's something I need to do more of. At the same time, I can't control his time, and he knows he's responsible for himself.
Okay, I'm rambling now. The point that I'm trying to make is that we should always love ourselves first.
Quote: So to avoid MOS behaviors, reflect on a better balance b/t attending to the R and to one's self?
Absolutely! I think this is how things spiral out of control in the first place (note my post this morning). When we begin to feel our SOs pulling away, for whatever reasons, we shift into high gear and sink all of our emotional capital into trying to save the R, when really what we've learned to do now through DR is to reinvest our emotional capital into ourselves.
Wow, did I just say that? And my prof thinks I'm an idiot!
Nicely put, M. I think my 'success' in attracting and maintaining interest within dating Rs and the renewed friendliness/contacts from XW stem from this self-feeding/non-neediness that I'm likely displaying. When I ask a woman if she'd like to do s/t with me on an eve, my happiness and self-esteem aren't riding on her response. I'm fine regardless, and I think this is communicated to the OP. My Xw is picking up on this, and at the very least, I would imagine that it reduces any sense of pressure.
I feel for her, as she's doing the same thing your XW did on myspace, JM. Not to that extent, but her circle of friends include a gaggle of clueless-seeming folks at least a decade younger, give or take a few older MLC males. Despite that interest in youth and busy distraction, she's been contacting me at least 2x/day for the past 5 days, sometimes just to chat.
My one fear is that a possible suggestion for trying again by her would be timed directly with her running out savings. If I'm to be a sugardaddy, I'd rather find one of Kev's HBMGF's! (joking)
I'm finding this easier said than done. It is one thing when you are living apart to date part time and do your own thing the other times, but as I sink into this nearly married life again, I find that it is a difficult balance. It's very difficult to continue with the things I enjoy while my XW is busily cleaning house, etc, or I'm not doing things with her. It's a difficult balance of doing things for yourself and trying to be cognizant to spending quality time with your SO, especially when it comes to conversation. Just writing this makes me realize that I do need to make time immediately after work for conversation. It's way to easy to slip into the same habits, but it would be even more easy if you didn't let some of your own personal activities go by the wayside.
Okay, so updates: We had our first fight this weekend and it was a doozy. It showed me that things are not on very strong ground. We even used words like "maybe this wasn't a good idea" about the two of us. I didn't DB very well at the beginning and I also didn't practice some of the other things I've learned from other books. I did eventually get into the proper mode and we did sooth things over and have had a pretty decent start to this week. Last night was also a little problematic in we reached a point where I wanted to do something that had become close to a routine for the boys and I and she was disinclined. I actually would have preferred having the space, but she's more of the mind that we are doing this stuff together and really didn't want to go. She reluctantly went and it put a damper on the evening. She was moody and told me to just let it go. I did, and I was pleased that things didn't escalate and I was able to separate my mood from hers. That's one of my biggest problems...when she is in a bad mood or not talkative, it throws me. I forget the lesson that it might not have anything to do with me or is something she needs to work through, and that if/when she's ready to discuss it, she will. I'm finding that since most of the DR book was not applicable when I started, that I may need to re-read it. I joked this morning that we needed to find a different book that wasn't involved with saving your marriage because we don't have one. Tonight we see a counselor together so I hope that goes okay.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Good luck with the counselor!!! I really am pulling for you. If just one relationship can be saved then great.
Anothetr thought here is that arguments can't be avoided. They will eventually happen adn if they don't then noone is being honest. But, the key is how the argument gets dealt with and how you come out on the othere side. Ithink that probably one of the hardest things to do after being apart is to get through an argument. For people like us in these sitch's, I think and argument just protracts things. Everyone remembers the problems and assumes that this is the start of the same old, same old. But, what both need to realize is that this time, remember to listen and work together. You may both be pleasantly surprised by the results and how different the result may be.
