It's great to have good conversations with her and it's nice that a touchy subject like 401K splits/money, etc, doesn't set off anything bad. My advice is to not analyze a conversation other that to think to yourself whether it went well or poorly, but don't assign any particular significance to it.
Since you are going to see her later anyway, perhaps you could consider my suggestion on your thread. My biggest recommendation is PATIENCE. Don't wait for or anticipate anything abrupt happening. I sucked at that myself and only learned it by giving up completely because then I felt it didn't matter if the convo went south. Don't get any expectations about her positive or negative.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
"n order to do that, it is my opinion that she has to know you are strong enough and that you aren't too wrapped up in her. If she feels you are pining away too much she might be afraid whatever she's guilty about will be crushing to you. She may even feel that it will end any chance with you. My suggestion is to avoid any R talks with her for now. Just have a discussion with her but keep it focused on her and don't say anything about your own feelings (ie miss her, sad, love her). "
WOW that sounds like my wife talking to me. How weird that is. She tells me that she is not worth me and quit putting so much into her. Its so hard I miss her so much even tho I talk to her everyday. I know she feels very guilty about what has happend in the last 7 months.
Note to Kev: I'd trade all of my dating prospects for a true reconciliation chance and regular ML with XW. JM, you're a lucky or blessed (or both) guy. Mostly because you've done a great job of not selling out yourself and your kids while staying positive and rather non-resentful toward your XW. That's a sign of a strong man.
Surprisingly, it actually is life in paradise. My vision of how things would ever work out between us was one of multiple uncomfortable dates, slowly starting to reconnect, and eventually getting there as we worked through problems. That vision was way off from the way things have worked out. It is more like the last year was a bad dream and this year is waking up and resuming life. It's like being back even before all our difficulties...we hug, kiss, ML, say ILY, work together, play together, joke, talk.
One reason I feel it's going so well is I always felt while DBing, or whatever it was I was doing, that it would be her grudgingly coming back with loads of reservations about me. It isn't that way. She wanted to come back. She wants the relationship with me to work. She regrets the last year and is apologetic about it. So rather than me having to convince her, even when she's around, that we could make it work, she's already convinced of that and is an active participant. The other day we stopped at the bookstore for a reviving your marriage book (and also a Kama Sutra book ) She's currently reading the love languages book. The effort is there.
Another plus of her is that she isn't that great at dissembling. She might accept hugs and small, quick kisses when she's unhappy or not feeling things, but she doesn't initiate those things. And ILY is a big matter for her. Never once in the year since the bomb did she ever say ILY without a qualifier.
We've had a few times when we've had to work through the past year or when I needed reassurance and she's always talked it through with me and has been reassuring. I have forgiven her, but there are times I feel the need to feel sure of her.
The other night I realized that it would be easy to slide back into old habits. She has been working her a$$ off around the house (with the exception of a few trips to her appt for things, she's been at the house since last Friday, and been there Sunday through today with me). I wanted to make sure I let her know I appreciated it and picked up a rose, a bottle of wine, and told her I appreciated it. This time I don't want to take things for granted.
This is getting long, so I'll close with how things stand. We've talked about her moving in with me and essentially she wants to, but is waiting for me to reach the point I'm good with that. As things are going now, I forsee that we might as well. She doesn't feel she needs to be married, but we have talked about our future. I cleared out a dresser yesterday so she wouldn't have to live out of a suitcase. We've joked a fair amount about the stuff she packed up that she never did take from the house. I guess there is no point now. She said that she just found herself dragging her feet about everything that involved closing the book on us. I'm glad she did.
Well that's all for updates. As Gabe said on Kevin's thread, a reinvigorated R with the X is preferable to a new one, but I'll qualify that with a "if both are willing to work on making it good."
BTW, if I haven't said so before, thank you all for being here: for your advice (which I frequently didn't take), your support, your joking around, being my friends, and for sharing your lives with me.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
It is just so great to hear your story Just. Thank you for posting your encouraging story. I hope a lot of people read your post.
I have been depressed since yesterday. STBX said he would call to talk about our settlement three weeks ago, and of course he never did. But I thought he might be having a second thought about our divorce, and even though I knew it was a dangerous thing to do, I had some hope..., and yesterday I received some paperwork in the mail from my lawyer, so now I feel betrayed again. STBX just decided to work things out through our lawyers rather than trying to settle between us, which is what he said he wants to.
Maybe in his mind none of these are considered "betrayal" or "lies", but he has said so many things and NONE have been excuted.
I thought I was getting better at "letting go" and "moving on", but he can still hurt me very badly just by showing that he really does not care about me. That is because I still remember our sweet memories, and on the other hand, STBX only remembers bad memories, which obviously is allowing him to do this emotionlessly.
Lately I have been hearing quite a bit of stories about those "walked away" spouses ended up being unhappy in their new lives. But in three other cases I heard about, since they remarried after divorce, even though they regret, they did not go back to their original partners.
I am not sure if mine will ever regret his decision. When I think of how I was truly his "first" love and how we have in a way "grown up" together and shared so many things together, including having our beautiful boy together, I feel no one can ever "replace" me and some part of him will miss me. But whenever I get a reminder like yesterday with more divorce paperwork, I feel so naive and cannot trust my judgement anymore.
Anyway, I hope more of us here will be encouraged by your sitch.
You seem to me like a man who knows his heart and respects himself enough to protect it. The first thing I'd like to do is congratulate you on work very well done. Congratulate you on asking yourself the hard questions, doing the hard work, and consistenly practicing being true to yourself and your beliefs, even through times of uncertainty.
I like how you seem genuinely okay with it not working out, and I know that feeling can only come from a place of feeling whole and complete within yourself.
And of course, being a believer in love, I love that the two of you now have a genuine first chance together at something new, fresh, vital and real, as opposed to calling it a second chance at something old or forced. I love how more of your interactions with her are starting to feel light and natural.
It's great to hear that she's now initiating some things and that you are open to trusting / believing her. Perhaps now she needs you to be strong and true more than ever, so all I can say is just keep on being yourself and we both know everything will be fine.
I also hear where you're at in having thoughts about putting this board behind you. If that's the case I'll look forward to your parting words with joy. If you decide to stick around, that'd be great too as you are indeed a beacon for I and others to follow.
Wow this almost feels like a good-bye and the only thing I really know about you is that your circumstances and attitudes (altitudes) seem so similar to my own.
One last thing before I let you go, too.
Quote: My vision of how things would ever work out between us was one of multiple uncomfortable dates, slowly starting to reconnect, and eventually getting there as we worked through problems.
Though my ex and I have now been apart four years, I still have similar visions as those you have expressed. Today I will thank God for this sign from you that if I continue to believe, and if I do what needs to be done, then my visions may yet come true.
I am so glad that things seem to be going well. I can only hope that mine will as well. I have one weird couple of days and I am lost as to whther God has provided an avenue for some hope? It's there, she just needs to grab on and see that!!! (See my latest post on my thread "What do I make of this??")
Thought I'd post a quick update. Well, we've essentially lived together since last Sunday, slightly more than one week spent exclusively together. I can honestly say that it's going very well. It's pretty much the marriage I had with her before she left with the exception that we don't fight and I've adjusted better to her kids being with me. We work on things around the house together, play together, attend events together, sleep together (and yes ML). Every once in a while I get a pang of anxiety about whether this is moving too fast, but it's soooo natural. We address the issues of the past year and trust things and I haven't experienced any red flags.
Today we went for lunch. She wants us to see a C together, which is fine by me. I think a big part will be to get her to open up and resolve some of her issues from the past year, but I hope to get suggestions to head off any difficulties that may arise after this honeymoon period is over. My main issue right now is that I find myself a little to tuned in to the non-verbal things and also wondering if a moment will come when she changes her mind, although the latter situation doesn't come up much because she lets me know she loves me. So we'll look at setting something up soon. I've hesitated up to this point about telling my family. They are supportive, but they also haven't forgiven or forgotten. Their opinion is that I can do better (doesn't everyone's family think that). I know it's mainly out of concern.
So that's all for now.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Again Just, that is great...I hope things continue to go well and hopefully, my sitch will get to where yours is. As you know, there are small baby steps taken by her; but where and if it means anything remains to be seen...Like you said without the support of the people on here to keep you in line, I think it would be that much harder to act the right way. They and especially you for me keep us grounded
) She's currently reading the love languages book. The effort is there.