Good luck man. Im not sure of what happend to start the divorce but your wife sounds alot like mine, searching for something. I got the I love you but not in love with you talk to. We are now divorced as of last week but remain close. I have been WAY kind to her, helping her thru alot of her problems but I think she has a long way to go. She is in the middle of a mid life thing and acts like a teenager 1/2 the time.
I have to start living for me and trying not to put all my thought into her and thats hard for me.
Good luck man your story sure keeps hope alive for me.
Okay, so here's where things stand. In many respects, it's like the last year didn't happen. Things are so incredibly natural now that it is a little scarey. She's stayed over the last couple nights and it is as though she never left, but not in the sense that she's in denial about it. The guilt is still there and disappointment about essentially losing a year. We spend quite a bit of time rehashing the last year and I think I've both asked some difficult questions and said some pretty hard things and there haven't been any setbacks. I asked last night how she could feel that she loves me and she said, "I didn't stop. I just didn't want to love you. I thought I was being true to something else." I also said I felt like a second choice and she was pretty understanding and supportive.
I want to benefit at least a few people on here if possible, but understand that each situation is different. I would say that I asked some questions in the hopes I could see what was in her mind, especially this summer when we spent a lot of time together. She said that when we spent time with her parents/family or together that she enjoyed it, thought it was nice, and felt that it was the kind of thing she wanted, but just had the confusion of another "relationship" and felt how could she feel in love with someone else and want this? So I guess I'm saying that positive interactions do register. I also asked "if instead of hanging out if I had instead just moved on would we be where we are now?" Obviously, who knows what would have happened, but her response was "I would still regret this whole thing, but I would have felt that it was too late. That there was nothing to do about it." I don't know...when we say we are leaving the door at least part way open do they know that? Even if the X had second thoughts would they ask about trying again? It's a juggling act and I'm not sure of the answer.
There is a lot more, but I'll just leave it at this. Have a great day.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I for one gladly welcome your posts. It finally gives me insight to someone who is actually seeming to succeed!!! I hope all does go well for you and aI would love for my sitch to take that same turn. I really love my X and I am finding it hard to not push for answers and such. At the same time I fear if I don't ask things, that she will move on because she thinks I am not interested??? Very confusing on how to go about this.
Thanks. I wish you the best also. From what you have written, I think that your XW knows you are interested. For you I think the juggling act is between appearing too needy and too disinterested. You have a degree of comfortableness still and my suggestion would for the time being just be her friend. Show you're supportive. Show you are interested in her life. Ask general questions. Eventually there may come a time that she is prepared to open up to you. She's got to trust that you can handle whatever revelation it is. In order to do that, it is my opinion that she has to know you are strong enough and that you aren't too wrapped up in her. If she feels you are pining away too much she might be afraid whatever she's guilty about will be crushing to you. She may even feel that it will end any chance with you. My suggestion is to avoid any R talks with her for now. Just have a discussion with her but keep it focused on her and don't say anything about your own feelings (ie miss her, sad, love her).
As for "moving on" or getting a life, it's not about finding someone else or giving up hope, it's about putting her and your hope at least for decent stretches of the day into your subconscious. Go to the gym or do some outdoor activity. Take up a team sport if possible and get to know and enjoy being around teammates and other people. This is a good time to practice connecting with people even if it's just your waitress at supper. Have a good conversation with a coworker if you have one. I think you'll find as you do things to take your mind off your X, you will realize how nice (and how easy) it is to have a conversation with someone that is a little more even-keeled. Maybe it will help to think of it this way...if your XW "woke up" today, would you personally feel that you used the time apart to grow and to your best advantage? The new relationship will go better if you feel largely healed and know yourself as well as possible. If she asks, "what did you do during our time of separation?", you don't want to say, "oh, tried to get a life, but mainly pined away for you".
That's one thing I feel really good about. When she said "think about trying again", I didn't feel the need to leap at it as though my prayers were answered. I felt then and still feel that I'm in control of my emotions and in control of the pace of this R and where it goes. If the time comes to try again, you need to be capable of voicing your fears of getting hurt again, etc, without worrying that she will run away again. Even though the last several days have gone swimmingly and it is like we are married again (p.s. I just got roses from my X with a card saying "I love you"...very sweet) and I actually do feel loved, I still have the sense that I have the strength developed through this process to be okay if things don't end up working out.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I do want you to know, that during this time, I have gone to counselling for me...I also have made new acquaintances, hooked back up with old friends and I don't want to give that up even if she came back. SO, I hope noone misunderstands me and thinks I have been doing nothing but pining for her. That is no the case. It is just that I really would love the chance to discuss our problems with her now that she is coming out of her fog and we are interacting. That was not possible for her before.
As far as her feeling guilty. Yeah, I think she does and is not ready to face things yet if ever. But what she doesn't know is based upon observations of things and knowing certain stuff that she has probably done, I have gone over the worst case scenarios with my friend and as bad as some of the things are, I have no problem forgiving her. I made mistakes too. Maybe not to the extreme it seems she has; but I am compassionate when it comes to her. That is as long as she is willing to talk and sincerely regret., for herself, what she has done. I don't want to have to say I forgive her...I just want her to know that I do.
I am getting a life like you mentioned...Just that moving up here, for my kids and to be closer to work, is going to make that a case of starting alot of that over again in a new area. I want to; but I want to make sure I can handle it and do it for the right reasons. i.e. not being with her...can I handle living in a new town that she is in too??? I don't know; but I feel like I should be here for my kids.
It sounds like things are going great. I hope I didn't offend you and I'm glad you're happy. I just considered you a friend and didn't want you to get hurt.
Quote: I also asked "if instead of hanging out if I had instead just moved on would we be where we are now?" Obviously, who knows what would have happened, but her response was "I would still regret this whole thing, but I would have felt that it was too late. That there was nothing to do about it." I don't know...when we say we are leaving the door at least part way open do they know that? Even if the X had second thoughts would they ask about trying again?
I truly think this is where my SO was last summer (end of July, right after my birthday, when he "pre"-popped the question.
He says he can't always read me, but he really does know me very well. While we haven't discussed it yet (it's a little too early), I really believe that he sensed I was really ready to move on. He told me point blank during that conversation that he was scared to death he was going to loose me forever.
Frank, it sounds like otherwise you are getting well put together. It's nice having someone to bounce things off of and I'm glad your friend isn't "oh, just kick her to the curb and move on". I hope I didn't offend with my suggestions. I think you'll need to be patient and supportive. Your XW has issues that aren't yours to fix, but hopefully she'll trust you with at least expressing what she feels so guilty about. Remember to do what is right for you first. I think it's great you want to be there for your kids, but make sure you can be there as the man they need. If a move puts you in a position where you are struggling yourself, you might not be in the best place to be there for them. Good luck.
Jo, no offense taken at all. I knew where you were coming from. I appreciate the concern and the well wishes. Thank you.
Willow, it's nice to hear from you. It's somewhat of a catch-22, how do you let them know there is a chance of losing you, help them to realize they don't want to lose you, and at the same time make them feel safe enough to tell you rather than assume you've moved on and all they'll get is rejection. He must have had some sense that there was still a chance with you for him to suddenly make the effort to get you back. What do you think?
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Just, sorry to hijack your thread; but I wanted to post this over hereto to see what you thought. ==== Well, just got a call from the X and it was about her attorney wanting to know what was happening with the 401K split. We were fine; but I guess my attorney told hers that I had issues with her??? Not true. It was just making sure all the numbers were right.
BTW, she did see me on Sunday behind her. We talked for a few minutes more and then I told her I would see her later when I picked up the kids.
All in all the conversation went fine; but I guess I am always looking for something to either go right or wrong. I guess I just don't know if I am to interpret that conversation as meaning she doesn't care for me. Yes, we are divorced; but I guess I am the type to analyze the conversations!!! :-(
