Last dance???

[Just_Me]

Its likely that she still has a way to grow/change. One just can't do that overnight. Her guidance/goals will have to come from herself, not from being surrounded by you.

It's obvious that she's done a lot of soul searching and it is pretty clear that she's on the right track in terms of trying to understand herself more. I think that it needs some time on her part to realize her own goals.

Yet I haven't gotten a good feel on the DBing you did besides a version of an extended LRT.

You know I haven't been "by the book" for any of this. When I should have run was when I pursued. I had R talks. I said ILY. I don't think anything I ever did could be considered LRT, more like a toned down version where I didn't just cajol her every day or send gifts, etc. I don't think either of us were quite by the book. She wasn't gone as far and so I didn't back off as far. What I think are worthwhile possible nuggets: Work on the things that you admit were lacking and be true to yourself. For the most part I think I was true to how I am. If I thought she looked good I told her so. If I was happy to see her then I showed it. I was friendly and supportive because I felt that way...not aloof with a "fend for yourself...you asked for this" attitude. The main area of working on myself, and my XW noted that as a very major consideration, is I work on the R with her kids, even though she said, "you didn't have to, I was gone." I also worked on my attitude and my anger and learning to accept little annoyances and overlook them.

I honestly think that how much caring, support, and friendship you show is proportion to how much is accepted. I think that you can only be the best you can be and as always that there isn't anything to do, but move on with the understanding that there is always a chance.

Goals?
1. Continue to ensure I uphold the relationship with my kids
2. Continue to nurture the relationship with her kids. That's an ongoing thing and while I feel we are in a much better place than before the bomb, it still needs ongoing attention.
3. Continue with the things I enjoy. Get back to/continue with my book and my correspondence course
4. Maintain friendships I've developed
5. Continue to keep an open dialogue with my XW. At this point, shutting down when I'm disappointed, mad, whatever is not a great option. It would be very easy for either one of us to say, "this won't work" and not give it a chance when things get tough.
6. Take a break when I need one and be honest with her and myself. If I start feeling overwhelmed or need space I should indicate that rather than push her away to get the space.

That's off the top of my head.

I agree with being cautious and it is wise to learn from the past, but not hold it against her. It occurred. She's apologized many times for it already. I had forgiven it already. That's not the same as completely forgetting it. Just not associating hurt with the remembrance. Jo, the one thing about Andy that is different is that while he did say ILY and did want you back, he never appeared to recognize that he has problems. It was always more about giving YOU another chance rather than you giving him another chance. I would have been loath to even consider trying again if my XW didn't show any understanding of the hurt or her contribution to what happened. But giving us a chance, for me, is about seeing if we've learned from our mistakes and seeing if we can each be better as a result of being together.