Thanks for the well wishes and especially for the caution. I'm all about careful now. My heart is still behind lock and key and I have the key in my pocket.
It wasn't making love, but it was tender. Part of the "too early" part was that it would be better to truly feel the love, but I have no regrets.
It sounds like you're doing well Jo. Your post are much more upbeat. I'm happy for you too.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Seriously, you are right to imagine this to be a good way to close the distance. It may cloud the waters a bit, but I know you'll be just fine, as you have an internal radar to guide you now and you're no longer dependent on reading external landmarks/reactions. Ok, ok, enough nautical analogies!
Stay strong and firm like a stout lighthouse sending its piercing light jutting through the fog (is that phallic or what?), and you'll help her to navigate to safe shores as well. Alright, alright, I'll stop.
I am happier. I have loads of good stuff happening aside from work iritations.
I'm not posting anything about it for another few months until I have more of an idea what's happening, but believe me, I feel tons of adrenaline at the moment and for once it as bugger all to do with Andy
That's great...As you insinuated, who knows where it will go; but it is at least good to hear that this DBing stuff has an effect, as I know it can. I wish you alot of luck and hope it can be a success story.
Me, I got to put my kids to bed tonight at her house and she was able to talk to her friend on the phone while I took care of getting the kids ready for bed. Don't know if she appreciated it; but it was different behavior from me than before. Also, my X got a few text messages/calls from old next door neighbor and told her friend that the people were acting like high school kids. Also, she told me when I said why don't you just answer it...I don;t havethe energy or the time to deal with it right now.
Does this mean things are turning???? I don't think yet; but at least it is a positive step for her that she is seeming to let go of that part. I just need to keep being the person I want to be and maybe, just maybe I will get a chance to work with her??? I still keep trying to move forward; but I still hold out some hope.
We sat and watched figure skating for a bit and then I left. Asked her if it would be okay to come by tomorrow and see how my stepson's night at the baseball writers dinner was with his dad and she seemed okay with me comong by???? Thought I would get the big "you can jsut call"; but she seemed okay with me dropping by...So, I will for a bit after work tomorrow. We'll see...I just have to be her friend right now...OTherwise, it will never get the chance.
Back to work after a weekend at the Broncos game. I must say this was a wonderful weekend that was full of surprises.
At some point I might have to move from this forum, but not just yet. There were some very dramatic and interesting developments and I'll try to at least give some insight if possible to a walk-away's mind.
Before I flew home, my XW called. She said, "I still love you", something that knocked me for a loop, but was not unwelcomed. It's been a year since I heard that and the last time I heard those words it was qualified with, "but I'm not IN love with you". She was at the house when I got home and we had pretty much an afternoon of discussing all this. Things felt very natural, as though we had a big fight and were finally just resolving it. She stayed the night. The funny thing is that despite how fast everything is going what feels most weird is that it doesn't feel weird.
As far as pointers or insights: 1. The changes you make to yourself, the efforts made to correct what was wrong, the time spent looking at yourself, do register. She noticed, she thought about us, she considered trying again, but there was another person in the picture and she told herself that it was only to get her back.
2) Being good to him/her does stick with them. 3) There is a tremendous amount of guilt. The apologies do come. The appreciation for your efforts comes. At this point that is very welcome and makes it easier, but I don't think it's something to demand. 4) Maybe there is a wake-up moment. I swear that in the last couple weeks that she's transformed before my eyes to the person I thought I new. That makes it both harder and easier. Easier to reconnect, but harder to take my time. 5) There is an actual effort on the WAS (or at least mine) to resist coming back. Avoiding pushing the issue though would help.
At this point we agreed to try with each other, but we aren't rushing towards remarriage or living together. She says that things are at my pace and my time. That as far as what happens with us, that's in my hands. The discussions have been very reasonable. It isn't, "you need to do this, that, and the other thing if this is going to work." There aren't stipulations attached to trying.
That's it for updates.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I thought this would happen to you because you used to mow her lawn in your undies, etc and I said so at the time but no one believed me
I'm very happy for you but also worried. Remember my ex said ILY - he said it loads, he used to stay overnights, in fact we house shared at one point and I never got him back. Does he love me? Yes, I think so, but he can't be a good husband so it's over.
Don't wish to be a wet blanket, but you're a good man and I don't want her to hurt you anymore than she did already. Just go slow and don't forget what she put you through.
You sound great! Nice solid attitude, and plenty of reason for optimism. I don't disagree with Jo about remaining cautious, but I don't think you should focus on what she did to you, etc... That would merely breed/maintain resentment and a focus on the past. The past is done and neither of you has a time machine. So keep present and future oriented. Stay focused on your personal goals and self-development, and continue to work hard to meet your own needs, allowing yourself to enjoy moments when she feeds you (while keeping expectations low).
Its likely that she still has a way to grow/change. One just can't do that overnight. Her guidance/goals will have to come from herself, not from being surrounded by you.
I'm still abit puzzled by your sitch. You did a great job staying positive and loving toward her despite her early negative attitude and later MLC-like behavior. Yet I haven't gotten a good feel on the DBing you did besides a version of an extended LRT.
What are your thoughts there? What did you try in terms of classic DBing and what is left to be done, if anything?
Quote: Its likely that she still has a way to grow/change. One just can't do that overnight. Her guidance/goals will have to come from herself, not from being surrounded by you.
It's obvious that she's done a lot of soul searching and it is pretty clear that she's on the right track in terms of trying to understand herself more. I think that it needs some time on her part to realize her own goals.
Quote: Yet I haven't gotten a good feel on the DBing you did besides a version of an extended LRT.
You know I haven't been "by the book" for any of this. When I should have run was when I pursued. I had R talks. I said ILY. I don't think anything I ever did could be considered LRT, more like a toned down version where I didn't just cajol her every day or send gifts, etc. I don't think either of us were quite by the book. She wasn't gone as far and so I didn't back off as far. What I think are worthwhile possible nuggets: Work on the things that you admit were lacking and be true to yourself. For the most part I think I was true to how I am. If I thought she looked good I told her so. If I was happy to see her then I showed it. I was friendly and supportive because I felt that way...not aloof with a "fend for yourself...you asked for this" attitude. The main area of working on myself, and my XW noted that as a very major consideration, is I work on the R with her kids, even though she said, "you didn't have to, I was gone." I also worked on my attitude and my anger and learning to accept little annoyances and overlook them.
I honestly think that how much caring, support, and friendship you show is proportion to how much is accepted. I think that you can only be the best you can be and as always that there isn't anything to do, but move on with the understanding that there is always a chance.
Goals? 1. Continue to ensure I uphold the relationship with my kids 2. Continue to nurture the relationship with her kids. That's an ongoing thing and while I feel we are in a much better place than before the bomb, it still needs ongoing attention. 3. Continue with the things I enjoy. Get back to/continue with my book and my correspondence course 4. Maintain friendships I've developed 5. Continue to keep an open dialogue with my XW. At this point, shutting down when I'm disappointed, mad, whatever is not a great option. It would be very easy for either one of us to say, "this won't work" and not give it a chance when things get tough. 6. Take a break when I need one and be honest with her and myself. If I start feeling overwhelmed or need space I should indicate that rather than push her away to get the space.
That's off the top of my head.
I agree with being cautious and it is wise to learn from the past, but not hold it against her. It occurred. She's apologized many times for it already. I had forgiven it already. That's not the same as completely forgetting it. Just not associating hurt with the remembrance. Jo, the one thing about Andy that is different is that while he did say ILY and did want you back, he never appeared to recognize that he has problems. It was always more about giving YOU another chance rather than you giving him another chance. I would have been loath to even consider trying again if my XW didn't show any understanding of the hurt or her contribution to what happened. But giving us a chance, for me, is about seeing if we've learned from our mistakes and seeing if we can each be better as a result of being together.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
