It's always nice to hear stories like yours. I think you are doing the right thing - you are listening to what your XW has to say, you are not judging her, yet you are being careful. I am glad the hell you have gone through last year did not end up being wasted. Sure, in the end, you or she may choose to stay separated, but still, knowing that she came back realizing her own problems must mean a lot to you.
I have said this before, but it seems to me that women are more likely to turn around a bit more quickly as we tend to prefer stability? I know quite a few men who walked away from their families and ended up regreting the decision, but unfortunately much later, and that usually happened AFTER they met someone else, found out that new partners were not any better than their previous partners. Instead, I feel that women may or may not need to go through "bad relationship experiences" to realize their bad decisions. Of course there are always exceptions, but so far, that is my observation.
So I am not holding my breath for my situation (my STBXH is the one who walked away, believing if he ends up being with someone else, he will be a happy person) to turn around any time soon, if that ever happens. Still, it would be nice if I ever see him turning around in the future - even if that would be too late - at least I may be able to feel some type of "closure" then.
I like what you quoted as well. I do not want to use any new relationships I may have as a healing tool, that is for sure. But I DO understand the tendency for wanting to have someone else as a replacement.
I am glad you and the girl you were seeing last summer sort of died out naturally. It appears what people say is true - things always work out for the best in the end. I may be finally believing in it.
Quote: I know quite a few men who walked away from their families and ended up regreting the decision, but unfortunately much later, and that usually happened AFTER they met someone else, found out that new partners were not any better than their previous partners.
Probably reflective of the fact that the walk-away is looking for something missing in themselves that can't be given to them by another. Instead of looking inward at their own problems/faults/insufficiencies and doing something about making themselves complete, they look for that in others.
Quote: I am glad you and the girl you were seeing last summer sort of died out naturally
I wish I could say that was true. Actually several months ago she started texting me. I didn't know she had remarried. I guess she was already unhappy with her decision to remarry her XH. Anyway, she called last weekend and explained things to me and that she was getting divorced from him yet again. I happened to be in her town yesterday so I did go to meet her. And it really was quite amazing how relaxed and comfortable things were with her. I don't quite understand why it is so much easier with her (and other women) than it is with my XW. I guess because there isn't the history. We actually had a really nice time and I'll probably see her for a bit this weekend. I don't anticipate it going anywhere, but I do enjoy her company. It's probably not smart. In fact, maybe I'm in the way of any possibility of reconciliation (although the divorce is finalized), but they have married and divorced three times. I guess both searching for a way to get complete.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I have a movie suggestion that I think captures the growth process that would be helpful...the movie Groundhog day. It's funny, but I think the lesson about improving yourself is great. I wish I had a perpetually repeating day to work on some stuff without getting older. Here are the lyrics to a song for those of you that are considering or have already decided to move on. It's from Rascal Flatts. You really should download it as it's a good song.
Quote: I've dealt with my ghosts and faced all my demons Finally content with a past I regret I’ve found you find strength in your moments of weakness For once I’m at peace with myself I’ve been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long I’m movin’ on
I’ve lived in this place and I know all the faces Each one is different but they’re always the same They mean no harm but it’s time that I face it They’ll never allow me to change But I never dreamed home would end up where I don’t belong I’m movin’ on
I’m movin’ on At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me And I know there’s no guarentee’s, but I’m not alone There comes a time in everyone’s life When all you can see are the years passing by And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn’t Stopped to fill up on my way out of town I’ve loved like I should but lived like I shouldn’t I had to lose everything to find out Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road I’m movin’ on
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
It's a great idea to start back slow, and to date lightly to see what happens. If anything, this should help her to overcome any insecurities and sense of pressure that she may feel.
In terms of your OW, what an interesting story. It always amazes me to hear what folks go through. I think DBing is amazing in that it helps to strip away the WAS as a distraction for one's own work/development. I doubt she and her XW had enough time/space to truly work on themselves. Maybe that explains the repeated failures.
Tread carefully with your heart, my friend.
Know that I'm rooting for you and I truly hope you don't have to join me in Surviving.
Just, Groundhog Day is one of my favorite movies. STBXH and I watched it several times together and we both really liked it. Yeah, wouldn't it be nice that we could do things over and over again till we finally "get" it?
Hey honey, how are you doing? You're starting to sound like you're hitting one of your funks again.
I agree with the whole "Groundhog Day" analogy. If we don't learn it, we're doomed to repeat it. Brother...ain't it the truth?
How's the XC skiing up there? I was all set to buy skis this year then the darned snow melted! And the way the weather's been, chances are very slim for much of a return!
Quote: I don't quite understand why it is so much easier with her (and other women) than it is with my XW. I guess because there isn't the history.
I think troublesome patterns might show with the new OP once a new 'history' is written with them. In other words, the inticing traits that attract you to them, and them to you, begin to grate on the nerves or the communication difficulties/misinterpretations, mind-reading demands etc... begin to show up.
Also, folks are truly themselves until they're more comfortable with the new OP. Its like the personality version of waking up with her to see what she really looks like sans make-up and girdle.
The good thing about possibly reconciling with one's X is that you already know the flaws. What is the saying - "Better the devil you know than the one you don't"? You just hope some healing and growth has occured in one or both of you to overcome those shortcomings.
I love that DBing makes one (if committed to such a process) dependent only on oneself - or responsible - for one's situation and happiness. This takes the onus off the OP, and back where it should be - in one's own lap. I could kick myself for all the resentment and waiting I went thru expecting/hoping/even demanding that my XW behave in a particular fashion to help meet my needs. The reality is that I'm doing quite fine on my own. I believe that to be possible for all of us.
Hang in there, Bud. You are facing the 'real' work of DBing if this is to play out in this direction. Not an easy feat, but I do hope to see you eventually posting in Piecing with M. I'll try to reach you tonight, had a sick kid last night, so I couldn't return your call.
I debated posting, but for a year now I've been putting this stuff out in cyberspace and it's only fair to continue to share. My X can read this I suppose. There isn't much here she doesn't know anyway.
It's been over a year since the last time, but I finally had sex with my XW. How did that come about? She's working through some things and she said she was daydreaming about many things of our old life including having sex with me. She said "you probably wouldn't be interested" and I said, "who told you that? I'm interested."
Maybe it wasn't the smartest idea for various reasons and maybe we weren't ready for that, but we did. She afterwards cried pretty hard. She has a lot to work through not the least of which is a lot of guilt. It was a little strange and somewhat uncomfortable, but wasn't a bad thing. It dissolved some of the uncomfortable distance that's built up between us and allowed for goodbye kisses and some closing of the distance.
Today we are back to taking it slow and cautious and I think that's a good thing. I met her for coffee and it feels like we are just getting to know each other again. One day at a time and one small baby step at a time. We'll just have to see. We both know that ever being together again isn't a sure thing, but at least are willing to explore the option. Obviously, there is no jumping right back in as though the last year didn't happen.
But I would like to say that this process made me strong and in control of my emotions. And I'm glad that I had let go before she dropped the reverse bomb of considering trying again.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
