While I'm not completely caught up on your sitch, I think I get this jist from this post.
Have you read, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus,"? Many of us on the bb have found this to be a good companion to DR. It can help us understand where the opposite sex is coming from, albeit in some pretty broad terms. It won't help you read her mind (it seems she's having a hard time reading it herself), but it can help you understand us Venusians and our perspective a bit.
Good luck. I must say that I find all of these stories here, from "the other side of the pain" to be very interesting. They are many and varied.
Thanks for posting Martha. I probably should read the M/V book. I've looked through it before. I think it would be most useful in a new relationship setting. I might look at M/V starting over.
I've reached the decision that I don't want to know my XWs perspective. I spent quite a bit of time, energy, and thought on this. I spent 2005 thinking my XW is what I wanted. But after a lot of thought I've reached the conclusion that I can't do this again with her. It's over. She just isn't what I need and I can't reintroduce her into my kids' lives. They aren't even a consideration for her. When her kids are active in things I'm interested to know how they are doing in it and what's going on in their lives. Even people that don't know my kids or are just friends ask how my son did in swimming. I don't think it even enters my XWs mind. Conversations center around her and her kids. She doesn't even reach beyond herself. Even her suggestion to think about trying again centered around "her life" and her kids' lives. My kids and I didn't even enter into the equation.
No one has to love my kids like I do. I don't even demand that they love them, only treat them well. But it is a necessity for any woman I'm with to realize what is important to me and a big part of my life is my kids. I just can't see spending my life with someone that doesn't realize this.
Admittedly, she's in a different place right now, but my decision to move forward without her and not look back isn't solely based on her apparent self-centeredness. It's based on a whole assortment of factors. It's time for me to enjoy my singleness to the fullest. Oh, speaking of that...here are a couple posts that may be helpful.
Quote: The Impact of a New Relationship Day 15
Dr. Jim A. Talley says, "Another relationship is like Novocain for the heart. It is the easiest, quickest, slickest way to do away with the pain. But it's sort of like having a broken foot. You can take a shot of Novocain in your foot after you break it, and you can still walk. You can keep right on walking. You can look around and say, 'I'm fine. Really, I'm fine.'
"One day you look down, and you see these white bones sticking through the skin of your foot, and you realize that you've done a lot more damage to yourself with the Novocain than if you had put a cast around it, protected it, and put some structure to it."
You need to protect your heart and you need structure so that your heart is supported and strong on its own. Getting involved in a new relationship will only damage a heart that is not fully healed.
Embrace Your Singleness Day 16
A person helped get you into this situation. Do not think that another person will help get you out—no matter how right he or she may seem for you.
"After people get divorced, they rush into a new relationship because they hurt," explains Dr. Myles Munroe. "They believe the secret to relieving the hurt is a new relationship, which is the worst thing a person can do. If you get remarried and you're still hurting, you are taking your hurt into another relationship, and that is going to become the foundation of the relationship, which is faulty."
When you are making decisions regarding a new relationship, do not make any decisions based on your feelings. Feelings are temporal and not always rational, no matter how strongly you may feel them. Be wise and take the time to grow and to build your life on a strong foundation.
"You must gain custody of yourself," continues Dr. Munroe. "You must begin to rebuild your life and embrace your singleness again. Use that experience to analyze your own weaknesses, the areas in your life where you were not able to cope in the first relationship. Then strengthen those areas, get knowledge, get teaching, and get information. Rebuild yourself first because your future relationship is only as good as what you bring to it."
I think that jumping back into a relationship with your ex is the same thing, just novocain. It isn't a cure. I'll embrace my singleness. Take care all.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I really enjoyed reading your quoted posts. Where are you finding those, hon? I'd like to read more. I think it will help me in my detachment for my current pothole.
And I want you to know I understand more or less exactly where you are coming from. Don't think many of these questions did not run through my own head when SO and I first reunited. And of course to some degree they are there again. However, he's shown a lot of changed behavior, so he is indeed backing up his words with actions. Were he not, I would be in the same shoes as you find yourself.
I regardless of where we are at in any R/M, we still need to be happy with our "singleness". It is key, and probably one of the biggest lessons I've learned from DRing. We have to be happy with who we are, and if we're not, no one else will make us happy.
You certainly are listening to her words in a much different manner than you would have oh, say, last spring? Even early summer?
I'm still bummed I didn't get to meet you this fall. I hope you know what a great guy and father you are, okay? And don't be a stranger around here, just because of where you are. I've learned a lot from you.
Quote: You certainly are listening to her words in a much different manner than you would have oh, say, last spring? Even early summer?
Yeah, I'd say that's true. I think I've started listening to my own words more. It is so hard to get over the feeling of rejection and avoid the trap of wanting what you can't have. I still slip back into that trap, but it's getting easier to bring myself to a place where I understand she is not only unnecessary for my happiness, but probably an impedence to it.
The quotes come from divorce care daily. I sent you an e-mail invite so you can find it easier.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Thanks for the props Martha. You're awesome yourself.
I have an interesting little story about a divorced couple that got back together.
Remember how I said I was dating this girl this summer and then suddenly no more contact? Well, a couple months ago she started texting me, never called, and her first one apologized for dropping off the map and said she thought she had made a bad mistake. Well she finally called this weekend. Apparently she remarried her XH. I guess a couple dates with me drove her back into his arms.
Anyway, she finally called because she was getting divorced. So it took her all of four months to realize it was a mistake and 6 months to marry and divorce. She said he convinced her that things had changed with him and for awhile he had changed (I didn't get into details about the problems). She said she guessed it was loneliness and a desire to put her family back together for the kids' sake that contributed to her decision to reconcile with her XH. They both agreed, according to her, that no one was better off, not even the kids because they were embroiled once again in an unpleasant home environment. I just said I can understand her rationale. Obviously, she doesn't sound like great dating material. I wasn't emotionally invested in a relationship with her so it was more interesting than anything. I guess it wasn't a cure for anything. Neither were DBing or anything, so it might not be that way for people on here, just food for thought.
His words.."you were so carefree when you lived in X, and now you are not." Her reply was "I'm still carefree, but it's hard to be that with you." He was attracted to her happiness, probably because he had little of his own, but found it couldn't be maintained together.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
It's 5 am and I'm on my way to take a shower for work and reading the board with my coffee. I came upon your thread and mindset wise this is exactly where I am in my relationship with my XW as well, only she has remarried and is miserable. She to talks like your X and is looking for that soft landing spot.
I will convey to you a bit of wisdom my IC laid on me over a year ago. " You vote with your feet" Think about it a while. He was well appreciative of the Marriage Builders / Divorce Busting techniques and couldn't understand how anyone could be so forgiving. Then highly suggested that to be happy you need to be involved with someone who is emotionally your equal.
Gotta go, Have a Great Day ! David A
You vote with your feet. Divorce final 12/24/2004 I Give Up !
Quote: She said she guessed it was loneliness and a desire to put her family back together for the kids' sake that contributed to her decision to reconcile with her XH. They both agreed, according to her, that no one was better off, not even the kids because they were embroiled once again in an unpleasant home environment... Obviously, she doesn't sound like great dating material.
I've run across a few such women, waffling b/t staying D and reconciling. To me, it does reflect that lack of inner peace and confidence in one's future that DBing helps to bring about. I don't think this chase toward unattainable externally-created peace necessarily involves the LBS or an OP. It could be compulsive shopping, drinking, gambling, exercise, or philosophy adopting. My take is that DBing is awesome in that it teaches one to adopt a healthy balance, and to do so by continually eyeing one's goals and one's progress (and responsibility for any movement or lack thereof) toward those goals.
I had a long talk with my X last night, mainly just listening to what happened and how we reached this point from her perspective. Then we talked a bit more on the phone. And it turned into a pretty nice conversation.
After listening to her work through the things she's going through, I must say that she's in a better place. She's not asking to jump back into my life like nothing has happened. She is working things out in her head. Basically it sounds like the process an LBS goes through as they try to get a handle on their lives. It sounded healthy. She is taking some time to come to terms with the last year and get her head on straight. Whether she chooses to include me or I choose to be included in her future is really not a consideration at the moment. She doesn't want to make any big decisions until she's back to where she needs to be. Sounds very healthy.
She did ask if I had closed the door on any possible chance of being together again and I told her that I hadn't. I told her to work through what she needs to work through and then we'd see where we stood. Perhaps after having time to examine herself she'll find she doesn't want to try again. And perhaps I'll feel the same. But this is definitely different than what I said yesterday when I said it was over--no more trying. I guess it was a lie I told myself. I'm willing to just see where this goes.
That's it for updates. I'm out of here early if possible to get to my son's swim meet. Ta ta
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Glad to hear that you didn't totaly give up. Me, I am irritated at her right now for all that she has put us and our kids through, in order to find herself!!! Anyway, like you, we may neve be together again; but I do know one thing. I know that I have busted my butt to improve the things that I did wrong and continue to do so, for me, my kids and her. I don't know that I will ever close that door until I have found someone new who makes me forget enough. Even if she moves on, I know me, I will hold out hope. SUre that is bad; but I loved her and still do.
Well, I like you am hoping that she works her way through this and comes out on the other side wanting an US and our family if I am still available. I too, am just lying to myself that she doesn't matter anymore, in order to make it through this
