Hey JM. Wow, this is a very interesting situation (too much "It's a Wonderful Life" over the holidays). I am tempted to throw in fifty seven jokes, but I am glad she waited until you were strong enough to be cautious and just move ahead with what you were doing...
OK, just one joke. Maybe you can pretend to be a famous singer and get ahold of her on the internet to see how she responds???
Thanks everyone for posting. It turns out that this is more of a thinking thing than I would have thought. I've heard the words, several times, but there isn't any action. What would a person expect to see from someone wanting to "try again". It certainly isn't the actions I did when I kept wanting to try again.
I think she has things from the last year that she needs to work through and I'm not going to push anything. Part of me though has already been sucked back in. I find myself thinking about it and also expecting that there should be some sort of difference. And I said the word "expecting". That's probably a no-no. I think I probably should just sit back and go with the flow. I'm not convinced of anything at this moment, but I guess part of me would like to believe that there is a chance of a good relationship. I guess I'll just wait and see.
Quote: By the was, a FF here warned me about the possible timing of a 'let's try again' offer by a WAW that is merely intended to break up a new R the LBS is starting with someone else
Could be. But she knew about it already and I didn't get any sense it bothered her at all. It seemed to me more like she was relieved. But, it worked. I'm not seeing the other woman anymore. I leveled with her about all this and she graciously left the door open. But my X suggesting trying again didn't have all that much to do with it. I was already feeling nervous that things were moving faster than I liked (even though compared to most starting relationships it was moving slower than molasses in wintertime). She was really my first foray into the dating world and I would have preferred having a little more time to look around rather than being in something even close to a committed relationship. I guess I felt a little smothered by her wanting to do things with me too often.
Anyway, hopefully some of that made sense.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I am lost...what type of relationship are you looking for? One with her and you or one in which you just get along? As there are no kids involved, like in my sitch, I would think it would be one between you and her, beyond friendship, correct?
Quote: I am lost...what type of relationship are you looking for?
Tman,
I'm not sure whether I'm looking for one with her at all. As I see it, this is a woman that chose to divorce me and go her own path. The entire year 2005 was spent part of the time being friends, most of the time me wanting her back, but with her mainly pushing me away and feeling that we were done..."been there, done that".
I've let go. I'm not in love with her anymore. I remember what being in love with her was and I remember that there was a time I was happy with her, but that's not the same thing as still being in love.
This isn't as simple as just "let's try again" and she and her kids come back to live with me and we are a happy couple again. I'm willing to give her the consideration I would any other woman. I'll date her, etc, but if that goes poorly, or if she expects me to make all the effort of "wooing her" she's got another thing coming. If you went on a date with someone a couple times and they showed absolutely no interest in you, barely talked to you, couldn't look at you, wouldn't do anything remotely physical (even hug), would you keep asking them out?
Basically, it's square one with me. I need to know she's someone I want to date and work on building a relationship with. I would need to fall in love with her and her with me before I'd even consider another marriage with her. There isn't any jumping back in.
Maybe that didn't answer your question. Were you asking if I wanted to build a friendship first? Or if I just wanted to be friends? I want from her what I want with any woman I became seriously involved with...mutual respect, love, understanding, trust, honesty. She has to work her way to that. The difference between what I'm doing and DBing is that I'm not trying to convince her anymore of "giving it another go". I will be the best person I can be, but I'm not going to bend over backwards for her. I'm more like the WAH that needs to be convinced to return to the LBW.
By the way, I think that sharing kids is an excellent reason to stay friends. But if your XW came crawling back begging for a second chance I don't think it's a reason to just say "okay, when do you want to move in". Kids need stability and "we're divorced, now were back together, no we're divorced again" is not the answer. Even with kids involved it's better to make sure your XS is for you before putting your kids in a situation where they think they have an intact family again, but where both parents are unhappy, fighting, or ready to move out again at the drop of a hat. I see the second relationship, if one develops, as needing the same time and consideration as the first one.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Well....have you said to her that you are willing to try again? If not, she may be hesitant about crowding you or not knowing what you are going to say. If I were you, I would agree to try again but only on the condition that it is a fresh start for you both. She WON'T act like any other woman, she will be tentative because she doesn't know what to expect from you until you give her a sign that it is ok to do so.
Email & MSN Messenger: Becca_1975@msn.com
Yesterday Is History
Tomorrow is a Mystery.
Today is a Gift.
That Is Why It Is Called "The Present"
My take is that no real convo b/t the two of you will take place in front of the kids. Just like you would for any first date, hire a babysitter (actually, they're teens, aren't they?) and meet without the kids knowing, so that neither of you has to face any flak from them about a 'date.' Then you might stand a chance of really seeing where she's at. I wouldn't weigh heavily any exchanges over the phone or via email. You need to see her nonverbals and she yours.
Maybe you are right. I don't remember the words.."yeah, I'll try again with you" coming out of my mouth. I think the invite to dinner was essentially saying I'd try, but maybe she's obtuse. :P But maybe I wasn't crystal clear. Part of the reason for that is that I'm not clear myself that it's fair to say "I'd like to try". That is a little strong. In my mind, it's more like I'd like to see if there is any reason to try. Know what I mean?
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I'm sure you're right. A meaningful convo won't occur in front of the kids and I will try to find time for one. But you know, she never had problems before swinging by and talking. She never had problems going walking the dog with me and talking. She initiated more when she wasn't "trying" than she is now that she wants to try. So suddenly she's nervous being around me? I think the truth is that she felt safer around me when she knew I was hung up on her and she was leading me on than she is now that I'm not desperate for a renewed relationship with her.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I talked to a friend last night about my sitch. I felt like what my X said was merely words, not backed up by any actions that felt like trying. I felt I needed to know what she thought about all this. So I called her up and told her I didn't sense any kind of "difference" and told her where I stood. In a nutshell, I indicated that I didn't know if I wanted to try again and that I needed to get together with her some to even see whether I wanted to pursue a relationship with her. She said at this point she just feels lost, which isn't especially reassuring because it just repeats to me that reaching out to me was just a safety net. She also said maybe she shouldn't have told me that and I replied that it was okay, I didn't believe her anyway. I said I was skeptical of her motives, her sincerity about trying again, and her motivation to do what it would take. I told her that my assumption was that she would call up and say "I take that back. I didn't know what I was saying in a moment of weakness."
I ended it by saying that I just wanted to clarify things, if possible, so that I could be fair to her and anyone else I would potentially date. I think that what I need is closure of this whole thing. Either I convince myself that there is no future with my X or I convince myself that I'd like there to be.
After that I was concerned about her. Being lost is not a great place to be. I said that she had family and friends that love her and that she shouldn't be afraid to reach out for support. I would help too if she needed someone to talk to or needed a break from the kids for awhile.
Anyway, she called this morning to see if I wanted to grab lunch together. There is something about her and mornings. She's called every time in the morning. Maybe it's that she is awake thinking about things and then acts on her thoughts first thing in the morning. She doesn't call after that though.
That's it for updates. Have a great day.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
This sure is a fine predicament we find ourselves in, isn't it Ollie?
Maybe this is the best time for this to happen. You're not the same person that you were just a few short months ago. Your vision of the relationship that you need is also much different than what you once would have settled for, so relax.
Speculating on what she is doing or thinking is just pushing you backward, but the good news is that you've changed, and you no longer stay stuck (man this ride just seems to go on and on) . Onething I do know is that it's just too early to really know what she is thinking. Heck, most likely she doesn't know what she wants for herself. I'm sure she has regrets, and her life is not all that she thought it would be, but you yourself have said that the reasons have to be better than that. It's going to take time and probably much patience to get to the answers that you feel you can live with.
So I guess then my advice is to ask the questions that you need the answers to most. This time around you have absolutely nothing to lose! I think you're handling this so well. It's a hard thing when we finally craft a life for ourselves and have gotten some happiness back in our hearts. The hurt that they left us with is still there. Maybe eventually it will fade to the background but for right now we still remember the pain. For some of us, the pain in itself is enough of a reason to run just as fast as we can. Then we're no better than the WAW's themselves, because we all know that running is the easy thing to do!
