Hopefully by now you know my sitch. I've been at this area of the bb since at least March.
New years eve my XW called. She said I was right about the things I'd said about her--living a fantasy, life circling the toilet, etc. She might not have been totally honest or told me everything, but she gave me an abbreviated version of her year. I won't go into detail. She did say she was amazed to find when her world seemed to be crashing around her that it was her XH that she called to cry to and that she was amazed that for all this time I'd stood by her. She asked if I was seeing someone...I told her I was, but not seriously. She called back later and asked if I'd consider trying again with her.
On New Years and yesterday she somewhat repeated the request and said the last year was a blur and that she wanted the life she had back. She has said most of the right things, almost a "light bulb moment" type revelation.
But yet, I'm skeptical. I don't trust her. I feel like second choice and a safety net. I said before that I wanted a soft place to fall, not be someone's unreciprocated place to fall.
I had to know whether there was an foreseeable difference in her so I asked if they wanted to grab supper last night. To me, she seemed as aloof as she's been over the past couple months. She was mopey and distant. Obviously there is a chance she's uncomfortable and neither of us can hit the floor running, but if that was a first date with anyone else I wouldn't request a second. Nor will I with her. There is no leaping right back in with me. I personally don't even feel it's me she wants, just her life put back together again.
So, for now, the ball is entirely in her court. She needs time to sort through her stuff and I'll go on as though any words of reconciliation never took place. I'll hold off dating anyone else for now, but otherwise, it will be life as usual, me, my boys, my friends, my job, my life.
You might wonder why I am even here when I say that at this point I'm leaning towards not trying again. A lot of painful water went under the bridge. I'll give it a month, but honestly, she was so successful at pushing me away, that I don't know exactly what I feel for her anymore. I'm not sure she is in a place emotionally to make me fall in love with her again and she can't have me back without that. I gave her almost all of 2005. 2006 is mine. She needs to make an effort now to be part of it.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
That is so great! But I know the 'why couldn't you have said this before?' feeling, or the 'you're so fake' feeling.
Definitely make her fight for you.
When Andy said the same thing to me and I showed interest, he darted like a frightened rabbit.
I'm personally not interested anymore in having him pursue me or the other way around, but you've been at this for less time than me so I think you should try it, go slow and make her earn your respect.
I wish you the best, just peace, happiness and a future romance. Your XW may be turning around, only time will tell. I wish I knew a specific sign that I could see that says "yup this time she is here for real", but we both know Norwegian's can't fortell the future. (aren't you in N Dak?)
Sorry to hear you are going through this up and down again.
Question for everyone. So, if you make like or actually give up, how will that person know that they should fight for you and that you just aren't gone forever??? Seems like letting go is correct; but if you do, then won't that be perceived as non-interest. And if non-interest is portrayed to that other person, then why would they try? Wouldn't they just move on?
Just wondering, as I am in a similar sitch where one sec she calls for help, gets along or is nice and the next indifferent?
Wishing you the best and if you figure out how to do that, let us all know, as I am running in circles and want some direction!!!
I'm probably not going to have any answers for you. When I was holding on, more actively DBing, the thing I tried to do was be there for her and be friendly. That's not a hard task because she's someone I care for. She never said anything about trying again when things were at their most friendly. It was always.."been there, done that". Those nice things, the times of support, did register with her. She mentioned it even though at the time I would have figured she didn't even notice. So I think if you are interested in seeing a R with her again that just being yourself and being her friend may eventually be noticed. If you were a jerk the whole time, she wouldn't even think about trying again with you.
But it's only after I let go and moved on that I heard this. And I don't think I ever would have even then if she hadn't had her own personal crisis and reached towards the comfort of someplace she felt was safe.
Tman, my problem isn't.."So, if you make like or actually give up, how will that person know that they should fight for you and that you just aren't gone forever???"
I don't care about that. If her idea of "trying again" means that I have to do the contacting, the inviting, the dates, etc, then she wasn't really interested in trying again anyway. We are in two different places. I was in your place at one time...wondering those same things. Now I'm at the place where I know I'm deserving of more. I deserve an adult, mature love that goes both ways. I deserve a soft place to fall. If she makes an effort to show me she was sincere about trying again, then I won't push her away, but neither will I jump through hurdles. I ran that obstacle course. If she wants a relationship with me, it's her turn to try to make it happen. Otherwise, she didn't want it all that bad anyway, did she.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
To me, this is good. Of course I am biased, b/c I am not one of those who has been given the second chance. Well, maybe I was, although it was not a real one - my STBXH was only using me financially since he lost his job and had no place to go (soon as he got a new job, he left).
But from what I hear, she is at least serious about getting back with you. Now like you mentioned, whether she wants that life back b/c of her love for you or because she has had a bad year and wants a "better" and "safer" place, which is the life with you, that we do not know.
But especially when you have kids, I am a big believer that you should try everything to keep the family together. Although I agree with everyone that this time, she really has to make serious efforts to convince you that she is there for real.
Good luck and this may be a good sign that things will be good in 2006 for you.
I don't have any kids with her. It would be a blended family again and that was tough when it was two people that loved each other. It would be 10x as tough if we are essentially just roommates. If anything, in this instance it's probably more important to make sure this is something worth doing again before getting the kids in that situation again.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: But yet, I'm skeptical. I don't trust her. I feel like second choice and a safety net. I said before that I wanted a soft place to fall, not be someone's unreciprocated place to fall.
I understand completely. You have every right to be cautious. I think if you'd start pursuing her again, she'd run as quick as she could.
Her offer reflects the great job you've done with unconditional support, detaching, and staying positive. I'm sure that didn't all come about or was present all at the same time, but you stayed at it, and she noticed. As we've seen, the dating world has its share of disaapointment, and the WAS is going to see this if they are attending with any amount of truthfulness.
Anyway, regardless of what happens and what you decide, I hope you can pat yourself on the back for a job well done.
By the was, a FF here warned me about the possible timing of a 'let's try again' offer by a WAW that is merely intended to break up a new R the LBS is starting with someone else. Not that she's doing that, but I'm glad you're staying a bit cautious.
