Learning to Trust Myself V

[heatherg]

I know you don't want to end your M. I have not figured out why you think that means you'd lose your kids other than he has threatened you with this.

I don't think I'd lose them, as in the court would take them away from me. I know I'm a damn good mother in the eyes of most people, with the exception of my H.
I just worry that to do what's best for the kids, I'd have to share custody. That are some reasons why they'd be better off not sharing custody....but overall, nothing has convinced me entirely that they should not see their Dad just as often as they see their Mom. So, I'd lose half my time with them.
In addition, H uses the kids against me. That would probably remain the same or escalate if we separated. Remember me going to pick the kids up from daycare the other day and S5 cried? Do you think it didn't cross my mind "This is what it would be like....he is not going to want to come to my house." And I don't think I'm being melodramatic here....my son doesn't want me, he wants his Dad. And eventually I worry that D3 will catch on either to her brother's reluctance to see me or do anything with me or her father's treatment of me and she will start to mirror that behavior as well. That's what I say when I'm in danger of losing my kids.
However, I'm beginning to see that I'm in just as much danger of those things happening while I'm here in this house than if I lived somewhere else. I guess I just worry that S5 would resent me for 'taking them away' from their Daddy.

dont be intimidated by his threats.

I can try, but I AM! I don't think I even realize how....I don't even know the word to use....intimidated I guess is a good one.....until Tuesday, I had a seminar that the HR director invited me to. The seminar was for women only and it was about investing, sort of a networking thing for local businesswomen as well. Anyway, the seminar was supposed to be until 5:30 so I told H I may be home a few minutes later than I usually am, I usually get home about 5:40. Well, at 5:30 the seminar was still going. My blood pressure started to rise. My phone rings. I answer it. It's H. I tell him the seminar is still going but should be ending any time now. About 15 minutes later, my phone rings again as I'm walking out of the seminar. It's H. I tell him the seminar is over and I'm leaving now I'll be home in a bit. He tells me to remember we need sub buns and milk, which I vaguely remember offering to pick up on my way home..that was before I realized my seminar would run over and now I have an hour before H and I are supposed to go to dance class which means I'll get practically zero time with the kids. I tell him ok. So I practically run to the parking garage, I'm flustered, can't find my car....by this time I'm practically in tears. I call H and tell him I'm just running so behind, I can't find my car, I may not have time to stop and get the stuff. He says sarcastically "Nice." I said "Is there something else we can make?" He says "Well, I was going to make sesame chicken, but you're the one who said you wanted subs and now we don't have enough time." We like to make dinner for his parents on Tuesdays b/c they come straight from work to watch our kids while we go dancing. Anyway, I ended up stopping and getting the stuff and blah blah blah, but the point is, I was an absolute wreck. If I said his wrath didn't intimidate me, I'd be LYING.

I don't know any good advice for how you can interact with the kids to negate what he is doing...perhaps your counselor or someone here can offer you some decent advice there.

Yeah, I really need help with this. I think I just make things worse by telling S5 the importance of being nice and treating people like he would like to be treeated. While he's in bed, during my time to say goodnight to him (the only 'alone' time I ever have with him) I'll try to talk to him sometimes about his day or how good he did at karate and he won't stop messing around or acting silly even after I tell him that it's 'settle down time' I have no power or implied authority with him and eventually, I just tell him goodnight and walk out....sometimes he'll call after me "Mommy are you mad?" I'll go back in his room and tell him No, I'm not mad, I just need you to understand the importance of listening and being respectful to someone when they are talking..blah blah blah. Before I can even finish my sentences, he's acting silly again. I know much of this is kid stuff. But my vision of being a parent is that MOST times when I tell my child it's time to quiet down, they quiet down. Anyway, to make a long story short, my S5 has already figured out that he has power over me. I can tell by the way he smiles when I tell him something hurt my feelings, etc. He knows. And I don't know how to handle it.

Meanwhile, I almost think you should go see a lawyer.

I did this last year, so I think I know what my options are. Pretty grim. The L's advice is to file for custody. The only way to convince a judge to hear a custody case in a situation where the two parents are still living in the same household is to also file for D. Not good. I told the L I just wanted a separation, he advised me NOT to move out of the marital home if I want custody of my kids. Do not sign a lease, do not spend nights elsewhere. In my case, it's like, file for divorce or nothing.

Don't believe all these things he says. Don't buy into them. He's one person, and his opinion is way off mark. You are a great person. You care so much about your kids that you have endured an unimaginable challenge. You know what that says about you, so don't let him sabotage that.

Thank you so much S_H.

I still have so much more to post, but it's time to get the kids ready for their first ice skating lesson. I'm excited to see them out there on the ice, my little figure skater and my hockey player!!!

More later.