Geez Heather, I have no idea what to write anymore about your sitch. But that obviously doesn't stop me.
What I did may not be fixable. So, to that extent, I *am* the evil one.
Can I say, "oh Stop!"? I know you look inward a lot and reason that the blame falls on you here and there, and sometimes yes, you're culpable and sometimes not... but look, this is past stuff. Yes, it's hurtful, and shall always be so. Yes, it shattered things. The trick of course is to repair shattered things, be it a coffee mug or a relationship. One doesn't stay stuck staring at the shattered coffee mug, unless one chooses to stay there. Your H chooses to stay there.
I just wish if he feels that way, he would let me go because this is killing me.
Why is it up to him to let you go? This is your life, not his.
The fact that he is so blind to it makes me doubt that I am really trying at all. I mean, if I was trying half as hard as I seem to think I am, wouldn't he SEE it? Clearly I'm not doing something right.....I'm too emotional.
If you're working on things, for your part, and it needn't be that you're perfect in what you do, but that you're trying different things and showing that you're working on stuff, and one's partner is adamant about sabotaging whatever you do, and not stepping up to the plate in earnest and working on things themselves... well... hey... you've got a partner then that's not working on the relationship nor cares to. Your move.
Maybe if I can let go of those expectations I won't be so hurt when he doesn't act the way I think he should.
You don't know about having zero expectations? Here's the skinny: have zero expectations. And never expect others to "act the way you think they should". It just sets you up for frustration. Also, people don't think like one another, so even if your H was going about conducting himself reasonably as a man involved in working on a relationship, he still may not do so as you picture it to be. But you'd see it happening nonetheless, just in a different way than you expect. See, the problem is that when people are so bent on having to see things happen in a manner according to their vision, they get upset even when things are OK.
For example, how many times have you read, "He says he wants to work on things, but he's never apologized for having the affair. I don't know if I can forgive him if he doesn't apologize". You see, in this example, why let expectation that there should be an apology (as nice as that would be to have) nullify everything else that is working from working. And then, even when there's an apology, if it doesn't meet the expectations of what the apology should be like...
Moving on, so it turns out he has to work and so can't pick up the kids, so that's OK that he works, but your work assignment, which consisted of a dinner, is entirely appropriate for you to give up doing, according to your H. La de da, what else is new? And he sabotages the kids getting ready, the kids going to sleep, sabotages you trying to talk to him, yadda, yadda... in the meantime, you gave up doing the dinner, which makes you feel happy or resentful, I wonder... and he keeps trying you... playing his head games... what I would try is to drop everything, and I mean everything. Stop. Don't do anything anymore. Nothing. Nada. Zero. Zilch. Let him put the kids to bed. Let him get them ready in the morning. Let him fix dinner, let him take out the garbage, let him do it ALL. No pointing anything out to him. Tell him you give up. He argues against your participation and responsibility, so... see what happens when the onus is completely on him being responsible for it all. What's he going to do, argue that you should be more responsible?
