Learning to Trust Myself V

[heatherg]

who he blames for being the evil one.

I don't know how deep the damage of my A goes....I just don't know. What I did may not be fixable. So, to that extent, I *am* the evil one. I just wish if he feels that way, he would let me go because this is killing me.

I wish so much that your H would find a way to see how much you are trying

The fact that he is so blind to it makes me doubt that I am really trying at all. I mean, if I was trying half as hard as I seem to think I am, wouldn't he SEE it? Clearly I'm not doing something right.....I'm too emotional.

I know you are frustrated but I think you owe it to yourself to take the advice given and stay the course.

Why do you think I owe it to myself, what do you mean by that?

Try to DB yoiur little heart out like a pro for the next 2 months.

This is a great idea, it's very motivational. Sometimes I look backward and think to myself "Gosh, it's been a year and a half and right now H and I are back to where we were just months after I told him about the A. There have been some good times in between, but mostly bad.." It makes me feel like nothing will get better. That negative thought and the negative, defeated energy that goes along with it may sabotage me before I ever do anything good. I have the best of intentions, but maybe it never turns to any kind of action that H can see.

One thing we know we can expect from your H is more BS down the line. You've got to expect it and detach from it.

Expect it. Hmm. That's probably good. I keep expecting him to act better, act like he cares. Maybe if I can let go of those expectations I won't be so hurt when he doesn't act the way I think he should.

I'll post more later. I have so much more I want to respond to, but I need to get to S5's karate. Thanks to all.