But then I started thinking....this isn't about him...it's me I'm trying to change.
Amen to that Heather. Like we on the other side say, we can't control someone else. You have to change for you and if he doesn't see it, then oh well, you can't make him change. I think you did great by not pursuing the conversation farther. I think it would have gotten ugly and there was no need for that. You did your best to belay his fears, validate him and let him know you would continue to do that throughout the night. You even offered to change your behavior (no drinking) to make him more comfortable. I will draw a parallel to PArob's thread to show you why I think you are doing the right thing. He's in a position where he needs his wife to do exactly what you are doing right now and I believe that if she did that, he would be feeling 100% better right now. If my W came back and was willing to do what you did today on a regular basis, I don't think I would have any problem forgiving her and working on building back my trust of her. Problem is that too many people that are in your position, like my W, do not have it in them to do what you do. They cannot let go of the blame they put on us. They cannot let go of the sense of entitlement they got from all those years of "suffering" the marriage. In short, they really don't think they did much wrong, and that is what makes for a tough reconciliation. You just keep doing the right thing. He will either come around to it or not. I hope for your sake he does.
