Learning to Trust Myself V

[heatherg]

If my W had a one night stand, I don't think it would change my feelings because all the underlying issues would still be there and I think she would still be a WAW. Don't know if that helps.

Just to clarify I wasn't coming from the angle that a one night stand is any less harmful than some other kind of involvement, but I wanted to emphasize that I think sometimes the LBS gets so caught up in 'winning' their partner back that they don't stop to think about what they would do if their partner had never carried on a R with someone else and the LBS didn't need to 'win' them back. In other words, if you knew you weren't competing for her, would it be easier for you to show your ugly side to her? Using her willingness to work on things as leverage to punish her?

Are you saying you see it as a matter of your pride that stops you from being validative?

I'm saying it's my pride that keeps me from lying just to stroke his ego. Half the time I *don't* see where he's coming from, or even if I can see the underlying concept, he expresses it with so much hatred that I feel totally alienated and confused as to why he would react so strongly and/or treat me so poorly.


In lieu of dropping validative sentences about understanding where he's coming from, How about this option: to actually try and understand where he's coming from?

Yikes. If my self esteem isn't already damaged, it certainly would be then!!

After so long, I wish I could just blanket the whole situation with this: I cheated on my H. It was a terrible thing and has caused him a great deal of pain. He may never be able to forgive me. I cannot say that I deserve forgiveness, so if that's the way he feels as well, then I understand that our M has to be over. I cannot understand him feeling this way and yet refusing to let me go. We only have two options. Stay married and work through it or divorce. Stay married and stay angry and miserable is not an option for me.


He says he could've gone to the appt., but decided to pick up the kids BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T ANSWER THE PHONE!!!! Not because "he decided not to go".

At the time he called the first time, he wouldn't have had any way of knowing that I didn't cancel the appt. He was probably calling to see if we could still go.

If he had gone, who would've picked up the kids? Was he real about possibly keeping the appt. if it meant stranding the kids? I don't get it?

If he had gone, him and I would have picked up the kids together. Our MC session was at 4pm...the kids don't have to be picked up until 6pm. H usually gets out of work around 4-4:30 though and he picks up the kids as soon as he gets out....we never leave the kids in daycare longer than we have to. So, he was saying that since he couldn't get ahold of me to find out if we could still do the MC, he went and got the kids which would be normal.

His anger toward you festered so that by the time you got home, you keeping an appt. was all about YOU DOING WHATEVER YOU WANT WITHOUT REGARD TO CONSEQUENCES. WTF????

Consequences are a big thing with H. He uses that word all the time. Deep down, I think it's why I am still not in my bedroom, etc. Because there HAS to be consequences for me cheating on him. If he lets go of the consequences, then I "get away with it". This consequence thing has carried over into other areas of our R. He seems to think that I am not sorry for what I did, that I think life just goes on. It drives him crazy, but he's reacting to his own assumption of how I feel not a true depiction of how I feel.

And what are these consequences? Now, he DOESN'T KNOW IF HE FEELS COMFORTABLE GOING TO THE COUNSELOR!! I beg your pardon, could you pass the WTF, again?

Well, him not going to see the counselor now would be a consequence of going to the appt alone. It would be a case of 'you brought this on yourself because you chose to think of no one but yourself....I was perfectly willing to go, but now...'. Not wearing his wedding ring is a consequence of my affair. Not being allowed in my bed is a consequence of my affair. Not riding in my vehicle is a consequence of my affair. You know the drill.

I think Michelle would say for us to not assume he didn't intend to keep the MC, but rather assume he did. Act AS IF he did at least.

Maybe I'm naiive, but I really do believe he intended to keep the appt.

My H was very very fearful about MC being one-sided.

On the one hand, I understand that. On the other hand, why would it be one-sided unless you knew you were acting in a less than admirable way?
Anyway, later that night, I told H that the C had said she liked him and he seemed very nice. She didn't really say that....I just wanted him to know that we weren't ganging up on him in the session.

Concrete goals can be that you will use a calm and non-threatening tone and demeanor. That you stop what you are doing, look at him, listen, pause and think before you speak to validate.

I'm gonna try really hard. Hatred courses through my veins for him....often. To give him any comfort whatsoever is a real stretch for me. I wonder if it's just too damn late.

OK, my advice is still "find someone who's making it work and pick her/his brain."

Sheila (Piglet) posts in Piecing. I've thought about opening a thread over there, but then H and I are not really at the point where we can honestly say we are trying as a couple. But I can still hang out over there and see what I can learn.

You have a lot of guts to go through so much for your M and your family.

Thanks Joe. Sometimes it feels like I just don't have the guts to leave. I prefer to think of it your way

Thanks to all.