Would it have the same effect if I left off the very first sentence? That is the kind of stuff I cannot bear to say to him, because it's a flat out lie. I don't understand why he would say that at all. So, is it still validation if I leave that part off or do I really need to swallow my pride here?

Are you saying you see it as a matter of your pride that stops you from being validative?

In lieu of dropping validative sentences about understanding where he's coming from, How about this option: to actually try and understand where he's coming from? Sounds like your C may have a take on it. All we're trying to do is stroke H so that he'll listen and think, and move you into a more empathetic, but still strong, place. Ask your C about this stuff.

Sometimes, these things do just happen.

Heatherkins, even accidents have definitive causes.

If I was looking for anything outside of my marriage, I assure you that I would have picked someone different.

And if you were nowadays looking for anything *inside* your marriage, you might pick someone different too. Ouch. Doi. Oops. Sorry! Couldn't help it! Too great a temptation! Yanno, Sometimes these things just happen, smirk, chuckle.

I decided to keep the appt and go. On my way, H called but I didn't hear the phone ring. Then he called again and I picked up and he asked where I was. I told him I kept the appt and was on my way. He said he called earlier b/c it turned out he was in the area and probably could have made the appt, but since I didn't answer the phone he went to pick the kids up... When I got home, he got very defensive and said "I thought this was supposed to be neutral territory?" He kept on about why I would do that and how I just don't consider anyone else's feelings and I think I can just do whatever I want with no consequences. He said he doesn't know if he feels comfortable going back there now. I asked if he would like to have another session with the C without me to 'even it out'. He said no.

I can't believe this, this is such utter BS! You poor thing! This is the sorta stuff to tell your C!

What I get is:

1. He says he could've gone to the appt., but decided to pick up the kids BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T ANSWER THE PHONE!!!! Not because "he decided not to go". Still passing the blame and responsibility onto you.

2. If he had gone, who would've picked up the kids? Was he real about possibly keeping the appt. if it meant stranding the kids? I don't get it?

3. His anger toward you festered so that by the time you got home, you keeping an appt. was all about YOU DOING WHATEVER YOU WANT WITHOUT REGARD TO CONSEQUENCES. WTF????

4. And what are these consequences? Now, he DOESN'T KNOW IF HE FEELS COMFORTABLE GOING TO THE COUNSELOR!! I beg your pardon, could you pass the WTF, again?

Is this not him seizing an excuse to bug out of counseling or what (while blaming it on YOU and making it into your fault)? Right in accord with his evident demonstration of not really being interested in doing this. That's why he turned down the "alone session" offer too, no doubt.

You know, there are things in this world significant enough to get angry over, and getting angry that you kept a counseling session - ain't one of 'em.

Heather, I'll lay odds that his line about his having thought about keeping the appt., was nothing more than a line.

Maybe one of these days, I'll do something right?

Heather, hugs. You did not a thing wrong, not a thing. This is all about him and his frickin' immaturity and insecurities and inabilities to cope, instead, blaming you for everything he doesn't like.

I agree now... Separation is a good idea. Talk it over with your C. The man's got to miss you for real and crash in order to have any chance of getting his wake up call, if it's to happen at all. The affair didn't do it.