Learning to Trust Myself V

[heatherg]

I just wanted you to know that I stopped by and I'm thinking of you.

Thanks Mel. I'm one big sob story these days and not much fun to be around, so I really appreciate your support.

There are two sets of rules, aren't there? I'm sure that he didn't even consider the parallel between him cancelling the counseling session because he had to work and you having to go to dinner because you have to work.

No, he probably didn't. But as he pointed out, he did not cheat on me. I have "a history". Trying to point out anything like this to my H is like banging your head against a cement wall. I do it all the time though regardless, so I guess it must not hurt too bad Humor aside, I can't seem to stop myself from saying things like "This is a one time thing..." And when he says "Until the next time....the way I see it's more like the 11th time, since you have dinner every time you go out of town for business..." And then I say "But you have dinner with coworkers when you're out of town!!" And then he says "Yes, but I don't have a history." And then I say "But last time I went out of town, there were only females! I don't have a history with females!" And then he says "Sure you do. You have a history of going out with females and then getting caught up in flirting with other guys, etc." And before I know it, the merry go round has started its journey.


Hey Bud, it's good to hear from ya. You know, since you're the only person on this board who's met me, I sometimes wonder if you think I'm a confrontational person. I mean, I recall you agreeing with the DB coach that I was not in any danger of losing my spirit. Is that a nice way of saying that I'm confrontational? I've wondered about that.

But I'll tell you what, if a lot of your M problems are your fault, then a constructive separation may be even more important, because if you're contributing to a lot of this, you need the time to clear your head and get better. It would be nice if you guys could still go to MC even if you do separate.

Mabye this should be the new thing I try? Focusing on the idea that I've not been a very good wife, haven't been entirely trustworthy. H deserves better. I can't seem to evolve myself into anything that makes him happy and he deserves to be happy....I've heard that when you start agreeing with someone that they then begin to defend you. You know, I won't even get anywhere with that. Because he'll tell me his kids make him happy. That's all he needs and if I truly care about his happiness, I'll let him be with his kids.

It's beginning to become clear to me that H just doesn't love me anymore. He mocks anything I do to try to get a better handle on our R. He mocks the BB. Makes fun of me typing everything that goes on in our M. He says the only reason I do this is to try to get justification for the things I do, but that the only people that respond are going to be the ones that agree with me. So therefore I'm deluded about what people really think. He thinks its all quite amusing, makes fun of the books I read.....you'd think if he really loved me and really wanted to work this out that he would be happy about me focusing so much attention on our R. He said that I'm not doing it to change myself, but to get ammunition and support for keeping myself the same. His beliefs about why I'm here are mostly false. The partly true is that I have needed others to tell me if the way I see things is rational, if my expectations are too high, if H's behavior toward me is typical. My goal here is to learn to trust myself. You all are helping me correct my compass. So, part of what he says is true-I am here to see if my views are supported and if they're not, how other people think about my situation so that I can change myself. If I need to change, then I want to do that! I want to be a good person, a good wife, a good mother, a good friend. If I have to change for the better to make that happen, then I want to. It's just that so far, H has been unable to tell me how I need to change except that I'm supposed to stop being so selfish, which apparently means simply doing what he asks of me.

I definitely see what you are saying about a separation to give new perspective. In my case, I don't think there is a 'constructive' separaton for my marriage. Maybe for myself and my own sanity, but not for my marriage or for my kids. Going along with a separation is custody. There is nothing constructive about fighting for custody, ya know?