I've been so full of bad advice lately I've avoided posting for the most part. I guess my best advice is probably: Listen to Joe!
But since I'm posting now it will probably come as no surprise that I'm ready to burst forth with a little of that bad advice.
You guys are just in a terribly defensive pattern. Maybe MC can help, but even if it does I don't think it will help very quickly. So the question to me is, how can you get some space and clarity and start giving each other the benefit of the doubt again? How do change things so every comment and suggestion isn't dissected in search of negative tone or negative side effects?
Because this is obviously wearing you down, and it has been for some time. It's great to suggest you change your reactions and how you deal with H. A lot of suggestions like that would probably work. But you're having a very hard time implementing new reactions in the face of what you're getting from him and personally, I don't blame you. You've tried hard and you've dealt with an awful lot. That's going to take a toll on anybody's positive spirit.
So I say hang in there as long as you can, but don't be afraid of a constructive separation. That might give both of you time to clear your heads and see the other in a new light. It's unbelievable to me that after all this time, H still throws your kissing back at you when he's feeling insecure and needs some leverage. He's got issues (no surprise).
You can't keep banging your head against a wall forever. You're gonna get more and more frustrated. So when the time is right, please take steps to protect yourself from getting into a mindset that would allow you to take out those frustrations in an unhealthy way. Respect yourself and don't subject yourself to more than you have to.
I know you worry that we on the board don't see your faults in this. But I'll tell you what, if a lot of your M problems are your fault, then a constructive separation may be even more important, because if you're contributing to a lot of this, you need the time to clear your head and get better. It would be nice if you guys could still go to MC even if you do separate.
One of Michele's key principles is to do something different then monitor results. You've tried lots of things over the course of the last eight months and haven't gotten good results yet. Whatever you do, don't maintain the status quo. Try something, anything.
Good luck!
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