Learning to Trust Myself V

[heatherg]

Hey Joe, I'm really glad you decided to stick around for a while. I would miss you otherwise!

You need a break from one another. Whatever is bugging him is not your problem, but it sounds like he's taking it out on you. Your reactions aren't helping you feel any better.

Yeah, maybe things were becoming too normal for the 'intimacy avoider'

When will the two of you see MC together?


Monday at 4pm is the magical hour. What kinds of things do you think I should have in the back of my mind. I am hoping to make this first session mostly about H, I'm really going to try validating what he says because I know that in front of our C, he will state things in the fairest most acceptable manner possible. I want to reward that. I don't know if the C plans to steer the session, or if she's gonna start out asking us to speak about something in particular.

H and I fight so much over they symptoms, I'm not really sure I even know what all the issues are. Even the drinking is just a symptom. I need to spend some time thinking about the real hard core stuff underneath it all.

It just seems to me that H is not emotionally mature enough to be a parent.

It is this concept that makes the idea of custody an absolute nightmare. I know my kids lover their Daddy and I know Daddy loves them. But with his parenting style, I believe the kids would be better off sleeping every single weeknight at my house. H would be free to pick them up for dinner some nights, but they would need to be back at my house to go to sleep. That would cause a major rift and a fight that I don't even think I have the strength to fight.

make me think that H was going to the toy store as much for himself as for exchanging S5's toy.

Jabez, that's very perceptive of you! I snidely offered up that suggestion, but of course it was denied. Again, the way I say things automatically invalidates them to H. But what I'm saying still may very well be true. I think he fights to the death because of the way I say things, but he thinks about it later and it seems that he often decides I'm right at least to a degree because I will see little changes.

A good thing to learn really is changing how I come across and what I allow to come out of my mouth. I'm working on what I've termed my 'poker face'. It's the easiest way for me to remind myself to keep everything in check. Better to be bland for a while than over reactive.


At 5 & 3 I'm not sure kid's at that age can see that their dad is not acting like a dad. At 13 & 15, they can.

The difference between your WAW and your daughters in this case though is that Mom wants things that are different than your daughters want. It is easier for the daughters to find fault with that. In my case, H wants the SAME things my kids want. I think in this case, he will always be perceived as the "best parent" by my kids.

I do think NYS is correct to say that you need to VALIDATE your H. And this is tough to learn. Validation does not have to mean agreement.

I really need to spend some time thinking about validation and what it means to me. I'm an accountant and to validate something means 'it checks out, the numbers tie, you can rely on this data'. Well, my H's numbers are a little off kilter to say the least, and I certainly can't rely on his BS, ahem, I mean data.
So, I need to come up with another definition for validation so that I can understand it better and figure out how to apply it in my situation. For me, just listening and not saying ANYthing, would probably be validation just because we so rarely listen to one another. Maybe I'll start there. Hmm, sounds familiar to me though. This goal smacks of something I tried and gave up on apparently without realizing it. Time to get back to it.

I think you do need to do some 180's and really start focusing on YOURSELF and your words and your actions. Not H's.

I will, I think I'm going to start journaling on this topic alone. Entries for a while can only be about ME.



Thanks for the encouragement!