You and H obviously have a power struggle going on, as has been pointed out. Now you cannot control or change what H says or thinks or do.
The only power you have is how you choose to handle this. I do think NYS is correct to say that you need to VALIDATE your H. And this is tough to learn. Validation does not have to mean agreement.
Also, I think that you are trying to control your H in a sense because your arguements with him are an attempt to get him to view things your way and do things your way. I am not saying your way is wrong, but simply you cannot control H and get him to come to your side on things in the manner you are attempting.
Rather than have all these issues you are trying to resolve at one time, I think you do need to do some 180's and really start focusing on YOURSELF and your words and your actions. Not H's.
I think some key goals for you right now would include detaching from his BS answers, and behaviors so that you don't feel overwhelmed by your emotions and reactive. You do control how you feel, how you view this and how you respond. H has no control of that. So what if he provokes it? The response you have is completely your own.
Work on validation. Work on learning how to set boundaries in an effective way that respects you, your kids and H. Work on learning how to control your emotions and not have them control you. Work on detaching.
Your goal has been to save the M. That means you need to change the dynamics of the communication within the M. This is the key, not resolving each of these individual issues. Those can be worked on when the two of you learn new methods of interaction.
You are getting sucked into the drama and power struggle. You don't have to. Learn these things. Become healthy. This will serve you and your kids best whether the outcome is D or M.
