. How do you constructively resolve that issue when one partner proposes that their child have an earlier bedtime, and the other partner says "No, it's not happening". I can't seem to accept that kind of an answer. I don't understand it, I get angry and confused.
Heather, your H stonewalls, discounts, minimizes, shifts blame. Your C calls it "intimacy avoider", I would call it "conflict avoider", as he does everything, even argue with you, but not actually work on the problem at hand, right? Sure, it's frustrating. And that's just one of his issues. He's also controlling, disrespectful, selfish, emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. He's also passive-aggressive at times and has an agenda of sabotaging you. These are some of his problems. It's difficult if not downright impossible to have a successful relationship with such a person. You are going to get angry, confused, resentful and frustrated. You already went looking for an "answer" by way of having an affair, yet you realized, I think, that what you were really looking for wasn't another person per se, but certain things that you wanted in a relationship that aren't in yours.
You probably, more than him, are the "emotional caretaker" of the relationship. You're telling him what is needed, and he doesn't heed it.
If those things never come to be, and H has a lot to do with being the one creating those things, then you either have to accept this kind of relationship or not.
How do you validate BS?
It's not that you validate BS, you validate the other person to whom what looks like BS to you (and it may be BS in truth), as a way of letting them know you understand, rather than argue against it. It helps make them feel understood, it can help makes them feel connected rather than on another side of a chasm. It's not about condoning or agreeing or substantiating their thinking as being yours. It can be used to see things through their eyes, so as to form a common path towards which then a resolution can be stepped to in harmony, rather than a two camp approach, with each of you being in a separate camp with a line between the two.
What's important is that validation, as well as several other components, are more constructive tools in inter dynamics than the tools you've been using. Whether H responds or not, whether his stuff is BS or not, you can know that you're seeking and applying the better ways of working on the relationship. That's all you can do.
But because that means such grim options for me and my kids, I can't seem to accept that answer either.
Because it's unpleasant to consider that the reality may very well be that this relationship is not the relationship for you.
A little while back you had the viewpoint that you guys would go into counseling, and after a reasonable time, you would re-evaluate progress. That means accepting whatever that re-evaluation may bring. Well, you guys have just started on that path, and maybe it's too soon to determine results, but I see H already dismissing any help counseling may provide, and have yet to see any significant baby steps toward change.
I suggested letting go of a lot of the arguments for a while just so H has nothing to fight against and also, more importantly, that after you state your view but don't argue it, to see if he of his own accord, now freed from fighting about it and thus resisting it, mulls it over instead and decides for himself to enact your view. Let's see what happens next.
