Learning to Trust Myself V

[heatherg]

Which of these hands is more goal oriented?...How we argue can be constructive or destructive.

Point taken.

It could very well be that even if you peaceably and reasonably sought a resolution, H is still going to hold to his line. You can only do what you can do, however, and either you have a partner that's willing to work with you on an equal basis or not.

Most signs point to him not working with me on an equal basis. Like I said, I know I don't react well, but reactions come after the provokation. The issues are there first. For instance, with the bedtime. How do you constructively resolve that issue when one partner proposes that their child have an earlier bedtime, and the other partner says "No, it's not happening".

See, I can't seem to accept that kind of an answer. I don't understand it, I get angry and confused. Or the toystore incident. I proposed we go the next day or the next day or the next day. Just not right at the moment because it was D3's bedtime. And he said "We're going now, see ya". What is he really telling me in these instances? Probably that he is not willing to work with me as an equal, huh? I just cannot seem to accept these things for what they are because I can't understand it, I can't understand this mindset he has and I look for reasons and answers and justifications and blah blah blah when it's probably all in front of me between the lines....."Heather, I don't love you, I don't respect you, I don't care what your opinions are, I just want to be with my kids." Maybe sometimes things are just as simple as that. But because that means such grim options for me and my kids, I can't seem to accept that answer either. I am driving myself insane trying to fix a problem that isn't mine. By reacting to this crap and driving myself in circles, I actually create problems for myself in terms of my behavior that wouldn't otherwise even be there!

Yeah, well, telling someone that they're wrong usually puts them on a defensive position too, and they think they've got a point and then you both go about trying to reason with the other while also countering the other's premise.

Again point taken. How do you validate BS?


"act", don't "react". Count to ten. Think it through.

I know, I know. I need to put my rubber band back on.

What I've gotten out of your interactions, in part, is that H sees you as 'always wanting things your way' for which he feels discounted, right or not, but do you ever get things to be your way? It seems when you speak of those times where you assert what you'd like to see happen, H goes about sabotaging your wishes/plans by his actions passive-aggressively.

If there is a true disagreement, no I will not get my way, at least not in the short term. For instance counseling. I wanted counseling and he told me absolutely not, never. Well, now he's agree to go. Did I get my way? Yeah I guess, but a year and a half later. Get my point? After a year and a half, it's become his decision now, not necessarily related to something I wanted. Sometimes, if he's on the fence about something I can get my way. Like with the kids' preschool. Originally he wanted a different school than I did. I encouraged the school I wanted, stating all my reasons. The kids went to the school I wanted, not because he was 'giving me my way' but because I swayed his opinion about the school.

I will respond more in a bit.