Learning to Trust Myself V

[heatherg]

I guess if I want my M to work, I don't have any choice but to try something different. Next time I'll try responding differently. I see that I could have said, "Well, it's D3's bedtime so we're going to head home." I think the problem was that the stage for this disagreement had already been set because for whatever reason H was not being nice at all during S5's karate class. I've actually never seen him like that in front of other people. It was a first and I still can't quite figure out what's going on. But it seems to me that there is something under the surface that was brewing last night besides him wanting to take S5 to the toystore. All the more reason for me to have just let him go.

With H, it's like S5 is his best friend. H stays up until 1am most nights.......he'd keep S5 up with him every minute if he could. There is a very different kind of relationship between my H and my son....I think the C will soon see that. I can see from an outsider's perspective where they might think H is making these choices just to get at me....he isn't. This is him...he goes to the toystore on his lunch hour for pete's sake. He buys toys for himself....most are in the attic. He says he'll sell them some day. Whether he sells them or not, my H has different interests than most men and it puts him at S5's level a lot of the time. They are like two peas in a pod and S5 won't hardly listen to me unless H reinforces what I've said. He tells me all the time he loves Daddy more than me, although he is old enough now to understand that is hurtful and he will then say, 'just kidding'. I feel like I could have a better R with my son if H and I were apart.....but I feel like I could have the BEST relationship with my son if H and I could work this out. I won't deny that it hurts my feelings to hear S5 say those things, but I really don't feel like H's relationship with S5 is influencing me to behave differently than I would otherwise.

Part of what upsets me so much with the toy store thing is that if it were the other way around.....H would flip a lid. If H told me he didn't want to do something regarding the kids (S5 more than D3 b/c I have more latitude to make decisions where she's concerned) and I went and did it anyway.....well first of all, I'd have to be alone with S5 for something like that to happen, for me to have the luxury of making a choice like that and H makes sure that S5 is always with him, which is fine with S5 because remember, he loves Daddy the best.

D3 does have a preference toward me, but it's a small one. Daddy still has a very big part of her heart and to me, that's more normal. I can understand that S5 would have a preference toward his Dad, but to this extreme I cannot help but feel that H works everyday to keep this preference rock solid and air tight. H and I take turns rocking D3 every single night. I cannot remember the last time I got to sit in the chair in S5's room with him on my lap while we read the bedtime story. H ALWAYS sits in the chair and I sit on the bed next to them.

As usual, these arguments that H and I have are symptoms of a much deeper issue. But I see that we'll never solve the issue by arguing over the symptoms. So thanks.