Learning to Trust Myself V

[heatherg]

Heather, you still find excuses for his behaviors to justify him... there's a payoff in it for you of some kind... no, not a future payoff, that's not what I mean... there's an immediate payoff, there's a reason you do so now.

Yeah, probably so. In terms of payoff, I guess you could say that I don't want to have to entertain thoughts of divorce until it's undeniably unfixable. Divorce is painful enough to go through, but to live in a suspended state leaning toward divorce for as long as H and I have been going through this would make me a wreck. If it comes down to divorce, fine. I'll deal with it then. Ya know?

Secondly, this is where the counselor, the third neutral party will help me significantly. Because every time someone sees my point of view, I will instantly shift to my H's point of view, or what I THINK his point of view is. It sounds like I'm defending him. Really I'm trying to play both husband and wife here. I know he's not ALL at fault. So as soon as someone agrees with me, I switch sides. I do it to try to be fair I think, but I can see where it makes me sound defensive of his behavior.

Have you listened to the Keeping Love Alive tapes? You know the one that talks about 'Sue' and 'Tom'? Sue gives her side and MWD says "Now, you might be thinking Tom is an insensitive lout and wondering why Sue is even with that guy.....but wait just a minute because you haven't heard Tom's side of the story..."
That's what I feel like a lot of times. I have needed, really needed, someone to hear both sides of our story.