Learning to Trust Myself V

[heatherg]

(TMU) Funny, I like your answers better than mine. Guess my mind was not working as clearly as I'd have liked.

I read your answers and thought they were very clear.

(Koshka) Sometimes when we're overwhelmed, we start thinking that this is what will always be

That is so true. I really have a tendency to think this way, so it's especially important for me to slow down and try to see the big picture.

(Jabez) After re-reading my list of questions, I hope that you don't get the impression that I think you are miserable B%$#*!

No, of course not, I appreciated the chance to do some introspection and to post clearly about some of those things.

I haven't done anything about the job. I called H the day after I was so mean and apologized to him for the way I acted and I brought lunch home for everybody (he had the day off for MLK day so he was home with the kids). We talked later that night and I told him I just couldn't do it, it was a very hard decision for me and I've stressed about it but when it comes down to it I realized that getting him a job at my company goes beyond nice and exceeds the pace he has set for this reconiliation by a long shot. In that conversation he asked what I wanted from him and I told him I wanted him to recommit to this marriage at which point he told me he couldn't believe I would even ask him to recommit when I cannot even be nice to him. He has also mentioned buying property and building again. I told him I'm not ready to do that until I'm sure I'm moving with my husband. He says it's time to create new and happy memories for the kids, but I said the memories won't be all they could be unless we fix this first. He said, well I don't know what to tell you, the kids aren't on our timeline, S5 is starting school soon. I said he'll have to change schools at this point no matter what because even if we did build and move, no house would be ready by this September.

The positives are that he wants to move and build a house. That's such a big part of what I want for my family right now and it's really hard to turn down. I think it's positive that he wants that because the more synonomous our goals can be, maybe the more incentive we have to fully reconcile.

I'm worried that I'm impeding the process by not agreeing. That maybe we would be so happy in our new endeavor that the R would heal. That's a pipedream isn't it? Something NY said on his thread about thinking with his head and not his heart is ringing true here!

On a very deep level, I think I'm making the right decision. On the surface though, just by getting H a job at my company doesn't mean we have to move and build. It just means that we're setting ourselves up to be ABLE to do that when we fully reconcile. So, maybe the job thing isn't such a bad thing.

All of my reasons for not wanting him to come and work here are not admirable. In addition to not wanting to work with my ex if we should separate, I am hesitant to help him with the amount of money he makes and putting an end to his travelling days because I think that in the case of separation that would only make his life better. I'm not in a place where I want to make his life better when he cannot grant me the comfort of sleeping in my own bed. There is revenge there for sure. There is also leverage. He wants something from me. It seems to help balance the power in our R some.

So, now that you know all my reasons, what do you think?